Theme: WONDER FEELS

08.01.2021

“And I wonder how it feels to find your dreams come true?” (KWest)

So how does it feel?

It feels like being and experiencing at the same time.

It feels like both can be it, it can be or it can be not.

It’s a little bit like limbo with the potential of going both ways.

LIMBO

In a state of suspension.

Being suspended.

It’s a type of tension, like you are about to go but then not.

So how does it feel?

A little uneasy, being suspended.

Is that what flying feels like? It’s more like ‘about to go’ flying.

A rollercoaster ride? It’s more like going up the ramp.

Why did I never like rollercoasters? Never liking the thrill a lot of people love?

The thrill of it all.

Why don’t I love it?

But I do. Sometimes.

Don’t I love it sometimes because I feel unsafe?

Would I love it if I felt safe instead?

Probably.

Knowing that nothing bad can happen to me, then I would probably love it.

So I could just enjoy the ride/tide, right?

Maybe, I want it to be gentle ride, like in a tide.

Like being on a boat drifting.

However, a speed boat speeding along the shore could be more fun, right?

I would like to experience speed. In order to get used to the limbo/safety feeling.

At the moment everything can go both ways.

On one hand, I think that I probably should start looking for a job on LinkedIn, writing CVs and sending them off, however, I absolutely don’t feel inclined in any way.

It feels like a different person should do that because there is no point for ME since I know what I want and the possibility that what I want is going to happen is equal to the possibility that it’s not.

Therefore, I feel limbo because both persons could be me.

I am not doing the CV thing because that person doesn’t FEEL like me anymore.

That person is suspended.

Suspended can mean both, stopped as well as ready to go.

The difference between the two is that I want one to happen and not the other.

I want to make what I want come true / happen.

I want to keep on doing what I am.

I want to be on a mission here in Berlin.

This is what I want and it’s happening.

I am being supported in doing so.

Being with a friend supporting her and at the same time learning and growing, by sharing myself and my growth. Simultaneously.

This is the beginning and I know I am going into the right direction.

And I love it.

It’s what I want.

The start of it.

Suspension.

About to launching the rocket.

Feedback.

Let’s add some more style and speed. Staying in more upmarket and fun accommodations. Like boutique places. Incl. breakfast. Something bijoux but grand. And somewhere in a warm climate would be warmderful.

MISSION

Yesterday when I packed my case it was almost as if I was packing my tools and my tools in this case is fashion. Fashion is the connector and we started talking about that yesterday.

How she misses fashion.

How feels so unfashionable here in Berlin where everything is grunge, uniform, and how she misses her former self where people stopped her in the street to comment on her style.

I realised the same thing with myself the other day.

And when I packed my bag, I knew so I was actually packing like I was like a magic case.

Like a magic case of wonders of fashion.

Representations of it: A bit of leopard, a bit of fur and glitter. Vintage. Silks.

A wondercase like, She-Ra.

And she lives in Berlin too. I think I need to see him, this is no coincidence.

It’s brilliant.

It seems there is always at least one more person in each city I will need to see, making it 2 and us 3. Or see two more, making us 4.

= Berlin

= Tel Aviv

= Rome

Whatever presents itself.

SYNONYM NAMES

Call people different names, names which represent something important to you. About them.

If someone is taking liberties/freedom I can take back. It’s not being vindictive, it is about claiming what is owed.

Being owed is the same as being rich, in reverse.

Banks are owed. And they are rich beyond.

Where am I owed?

Albert Cuyp Straat shops. They wrote me IOU’s.

When I get back to Amsterdam I shall claim what I am owed there.

And I will get exactly what I want, too. Because that is what I gave.

IOU

If somebody took something from you, it also means that you gave something.

So if you gave something and at the time felt restricted, like you didn’t have a lot of that to give, at that point you were selfless. So you can claim it back, claim back what you gave selflessly.

It would mean that the other part owes you.

Making you emotionally rich rather than poor.

And you can claim it back.

Then it’s not like taking but rather like borrowing.

If someone borrowed something from you, it’s not taken.

They borrowed it which means that you can ask for it back any time.

If somebody borrowed a book from you and they don’t give it back by themselves you have to ask them.

That’s what I have to do, claiming my things from people who borrowed.

So nothing, absolutely nothing can be taken away from you if you have given it freely.

Then its only borrowed and you just have to ask for it back.

I shall ask for my book back from Julian.

Claim back what is borrowed. Because they can’t refuse you. It would otherwise be theft.

Do I want fast or slow?

I want both, balanced. Fast and slow when it feels right. When it is fun. To me.

The most qualified teachers are the people who are going through the same thing they are teaching or having gone through the same thing recently. What makes them qualified and perfect for the job is that they can still remember how it was before they learned and grew.

We believe that experience comes with time but that is wrong. Experience is not connected to time. The shorter the time between your experience and your growth, the more qualified you are. If there is a long time after the experience, you will have forgotten how it was before you had the experience.

Therefore, teach as you experience.

Be agile.

Speed is of importance here.

Why am I taking notes?

I remember taking notes in school but I can never remember ever looking over them again and if I did then not making any sense to me anymore.

Why am I taking notes? What is the purpose?

Since everything is in my head anyway why do I need to see it to believe it?

Seeing is believing.

Do I still need to see?

Maybe.

Suspension.

Maybe I need to see in order to be visible. i.e. Followers/ readers/ appreciators.

I know this works. Why do I need anyone else outside of myself acknowledging that?

It would be fun to say I have 1 mio. of anything. That’s abundance.

Just for the fun of it.

But it doesn’t matter if I have it or not.

It doesn’t change anything to the fact that this all works.

I am playing and would like that experience.

And that is all it is.

FEEDBACK

I don’t have any hangers in my Berlin flat.

So I could say complain to my Airbnb guy “There are no hangers in this flat!”

On the other hand I could say “Have you got any extra hangers for me?” The latter one is better feedback.

Is there a best feedback?

Give feedback straight away so the experience can be enhanced.

And this is what I did.

And this is what I shall do.

Therefore, “Do you have any speed for me?” because I want to go faster.

It’s exciting.

Saying “I miss you” doesn’t mean “I have a need for you” but instead

“I appreciate you, even when you’re not there”.

I messaged She-Ra. He moved. And is doing a psychotherapy course atm. Interesting.

I told him he inspired me.

By being himself, dressing up and throwing glitter.

I encouraged him to keep doing just that and not getting too serious about it.

The city needs glitter.

Oh wow, I always thought I was good at giving people advice.

I see a different option which could potentially be more fun.

Showing a different way.

What I should do instead is define a wish with them (zoom out) and then show (zoom into) an alternative option.

To show that there is a choice.

And then zoom out again in order to respect the wish.

No matter what it is, it’s going to be the right thing for them and that’s that.

It’s like sometimes people just need permission to want and whether I agree with their want or not doesn’t matter. My sole job as a mentor is to give encouragement that what they want is valid.

Feeling validated/valued.

Saying: you totally deserve what you wish for, so go for(th) it.

And multiply?

It looks like you are trying to be an Amazon.

And you know what they did to themselves in order to be more efficient.

It is not necessary to do that in order to display strength. You are strong in your own right, being who you are. No need to be anything else.

Sacrifice is not necessary.

It is not necessary to sacrifice yourself.

A pound of flesh — Shakespeare

There is no need to sacrifice a breast, darling. Just be yourself, a woman, don’t try to be a man.

Sacrificing your self for the sake of a loved one.

There is no benefit for him in that.

Because he is both too. Balanced.

He will benefit more in your balance, being both, when you feel like it.

When was the last time you had fun?

Strength in authenticity.

I think I understand Berlin a little more, and why it seems such a mess.

The city was the epicentre of freedom in the 1930s.

Anything was allowed and everything was politically incorrect, hence, politically correct.

One could come to Berlin to be free to do and be what one want to be.

To have all desires satisfied.

Extreme creative and sexual freedom.

And then Nazi Germany hit Germany, which was also extreme and correct politically, thereby being utterly politically incorrect. And Berlin was the epicentre of the Third Reich.

The city now feels sexually frustrated, it aches for freedom, the reason why it is such a party place, to the extreme.

However, Berlin still feels restrained by its German-ness and the ghost of the Reich.

And by being politically incorrect, manifested in I DON’T CARE attitude, which is freedom also, it is actually politically correct by allowing everything to live harmonically side-by-side. As equals. This equality, however, has become a GREYNESS, a uniform. It is almost that Berlin does not allow herself to be beautiful in order to stay unbiased.

However, being treated equally does not mean it has to become the same.

Berlin has so much splendour yet it looks like a fucking Emo town.

Berlin should allowed herself to chill out and be splendid again.

Stop putting her glorious light under the Scheffel of graffiti and dirt and puke and mess and the smell of alcohol and black uniform clothing and hidden Hedonism, but feel free to be glorious and beautiful and light without losing authenticity.

SCHEFFEL

Key word is: FEEL FREE

Julian looked like …. Oriol … ha, nice touch, thanks.

I bought a packet of Luckies. Would be fun to smoke one in every city I visit this year. My lucky Luckies.

This diction thing on my phone is kinda cool. I talk as it writes. Need to be more precise with my words otherwise it’s a mess. Sounds like a crazy person.

BLONDE NATURALE

I looked in the mirror earlier while my brushing my teeth and I’m noticing more and more grey hairs.

I don’t want grey hairs but what does it mean?

What do grey hairs mean to me?

To me it symbolises age. Ageing. Getting old.

I don’t want that.

But what specifically don’t I want? To have an age? No. Having an age, any age is cool, right?

What is it about getting old, I don’t want?

I don’t want to decline. Does it have to mean that?

So, I plug out the light hairs I see.

However, it seems the more I see and the more I plug, the more I see or seem to appear. A fight against something I cannot win.

What do I want instead?

I want my dark hair, I want to keep it.

What if I just leave the un-dark hairs, leave them to grow and do their thing and therefore being unbiased?

Maybe that’s the way to go because it doesn’t really matter, right?

The colour of my hair doesn’t change who I am.

What if I just change my belief about un-dark hair?

What if I just leave them to grow and not do anything about it and truly not give a fuck?

Not having un-dark hair means youth to me.

What if my un-dark hair isa kind of blonde?

Blonde is un-dark, right?

Would I plug my hair if it was blonde? No. (until a couple of years ago I bleached my hair)

I could be going through a natural bleaching process at the moment. Without chemicals. All organic.

Then it could mean youth, right?

And what does youth mean?

Ok, fine, I can go blonde. If it makes me look younger, fine.

Would it make me look younger?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Will it make me look older?

Maybe. Maybe not.

What is my preference? Dark or light?

Well, I prefer to live in big open white spaces.

But I prefer to wear black.

However, I also love to wear white in summer, but I would not want to live in black spaces.

Sometimes I prefer both black and white. when it comes to fashion and depending on the climate. But when it comes to hair, maybe it would look visually stunning to have white hair, looking like a totally awesome bleach job,

butt …

I really want to keep my black hair, void of any white/bleached hair.

But since I acknowledge the blonde, I shall not plug it anymore.

No bias.

It’s exhausting thinking.

And rambling