Theme: THE HAPPINESS EXPERIENCE

Diary Entry 09.05.2021

I didn’t go to Kyebi.

It didn’t feel right.

And I got a message that something I was really thrilled about, the plan to hike up the tallest mountain in Ghana, wasn’t happening either.

So both didn’t transpire.

That’s how it is in Ghana.

Plans get changed by the minute.

In any case, I previously promised myself not to be bothered either way.

That I’m awaiting and keen on the third option.

Being revealed.

Because when you think there are only two options and you can’t (won’t) make up your mind and let go of either, there will be a third.

The perfect one.

The best of both worlds.

And a third has crystallise.

This one would be so much fun.

Staying in a creatively active and spiritual environment.

Music and video production.

In Accra.

And it means travelling on Monday.

It means I’m here for Mother’s Day.

All chill.

I am excited.

But I can’t tell my dad where I’m staying.

Because it is with precisely that person who stayed with me one night last week and dad got completely mad at me for it.

Terribly mad.

So like a true teenager, I have to come up with a story where and who I’m staying with.

Crazy.

I have no other option but to lie.

Parental rules leave me no choice.

Lol, those inconsistent rules make me go underground.

And I know that in his head he wants to know me safe.

My dad.

But because he went completely mental on me, I am protecting myself.

From him.

By lying about my whereabouts.

Funny.

The paradox.

So if something really happened, he would have no idea where to even look for me.

Potentially.

But I know where I’m going, I’ll be completely safe.

And I’m excited.

The interesting thing is, that in order to truly follow through with my theory of letting go of options, is to let go of this one too.

Despite its special ‘third’ status.

Truly not being bothered if it happens or not.

Not bothered if I’m stuck here in Takoradi under constant parental control without any money and bored out of my mind with nobody to play with.

Lol.

It’s a challenge.

A good one.

I want to find a way to detach feelings from circumstances.

Both good and bad feelings.

I want to feel (mainly happy and confident) detached from the reality presenting itself to me.

I want to banish disappointment, nuisance insecurity and impatience from my experiences.

I want to feel childlike wonder in any curveball I’m thrown.

I want to feel blissful and sure all the time.

And chill.

Earlier I noticed something when I felt happy and excited to see my lover again.

I felt like detaching the happiness and holding it.

The symbol (him) faded and I held happiness.

I don’t know how other to describe it.

It’s almost I held happiness and briefly examined it.

Held the feeling moment.

Had a real happiness experience.

On its own.

Detached.

For a few seconds.

It felt soft and light.

Like dull golden cotton candy.

I think that’s the key.

We generate the feeling of happiness through symbols.

A certain scenario we connect with happiness.

A certain person we connect with happiness.

An object to possess happily.

Which is great because it allows us (we allow ourselves) to feel (happiness) via these symbols.

However, what often happens is that we keep the feeling attached to the symbols.

So if the symbols are not there, we feel the opposite of (happiness).

We know that’s definitely true with the symbols Money and Relationships.

If we believe both are lacking, happiness is nowhere to be found.

We feel miserable, scared, worried.

Horrible feelings.

Everyone knows these feelings intimately.

Because even if we are a little woke and manage to stay ‘positive’ by knowing that it is possible to be happy with little money and on one’s own, happiness is still somewhat attached to the concept that it can be attached.

So the feelings go this way and that.

All day long.

Bipolar.

Just be aware.

Feelings are only attached to symbols for us to experience happiness (and_or the opposite of).

End of.

It enables us to pay attention to the feeling but we don’t have to take the symbols too seriously.

Which is liberating.

We can escape the bipolar by saying ‘thank you’ to the symbol for carrying the feeling and truly examine and experience the feeling (of happiness or not) by letting the symbol go.

And yes, it goes both ways.

All feelings are valid.

There really is no positive or negative.

There is only the ones we prefer most of the time.

Which in my case is bliss and happiness.

Ha, but is that entirely true?

Does it not require both to appreciate both?

Am I depriving myself of the full range of experiences by preferring one ‘side’?

Could be.

There are only wonder-full feelings.

To be marvelled at.

Explored.

Because when truly detached from symbols, it does not matter.

Since they have absolutely no impact on us.

And maybe, just maybe there are so many exciting variations of happiness to be generated, that I will already be eternally busy exploring those instead of the opposite?

And keep the latter for another eternity?

I’d love that.

Because it feels good.

To live detached.

In Ghana I learnt to measure water.

One drinking water pouch is perfect to quench thirst.

A water bottle is a little too much, you have to keep on carrying it around.

Half a bucket is a toilet flush.

If you had beans for breakfast, it takes a bit more.

One bucket is a normal shower.

That includes shaving.

If I want to wash my big afro hair I need at least 4 buckets, probably more.

Now I know why women braid their hair.

Less water usage.

A small bucket is a face or hand wash.

When I use soap, I make sure I wash my hands in the bucket and dispose of the soapy water in the toilet.

For fragrance.

All is a science.

Water science.

Ha, this morning I was urged to ‘watch mom prepare the food”.

Eh?

Since when does one watch someone else slave?

Ok, fine.

I guess it’s a nudge from my dad to help out in the kitchen.

Why don’t you just day so?

I guess he did, indirectly.

After all today is Mother’s Day.

And my stepmom took on the big job to provide breakfast for everyone at church.

100 people.

So the girls have been up since 4am cooking and baking.

I’m happy to help.

Always have been.

However, whenever I offered, it was declined.

So generally I stay out of the kitchen.

Since it also isn’t my favourite place to be.

So I never insist on staying.

There is definitely a hierarchy in the kitchen.

Step mom is Gordon Ramsey.

Then there is a girl in her 30s.

She doesn’t get pushed around but chats while working routinely.

And then there is the youngest.

23 years old.

Her name comes up a lot during cooking.

Do this. Do that.

It always sounds impatient.

She’s taking it in her stride.

Probably secretly planning her escape.

Whenever mom calls, she (has to) come running.

Take instructions and then do them straight away.

Even if she was in the middle of eating.

I just realised that I don’t have to stay with experiences.

But come up with new and even more exciting scenarios.

Why do I stay with experiences until they become stale and I’m being ejected?

I am creative, so I should come up with ever more cool stuff.

Not caring if any falls into place.

Simply enjoy the imaginary part of creating and being excited about my creations.

See what happens.

I can really explore this concept.

I like the sound of it.

Is what we call reality not so much less exciting than we imagined it to be?

OMG, totally.

So why not simply stay in the imagination and the crazy joy of it?

Wow. Yessss.