Theme: THE FORWARD PINCH
28.12.2020
Being mean is not me … but it can be.
I noticed that when I feel someone is mean to me, I want to be mean to them back. And if I feel they won’t be being mean back to, I’ll find someone else to be mean to.
Remember I was recently talking about the unpleasant experience of feeling un-included in a group …?
This pinch I felt and, despite having discussed this at length with myself, still feel to some extend, this pinch I want to forward.
Or backward
To Jones.
Vengeance is a very strong word but it is just that.
Strong and ugly.
It’s a thing. I have.
Feeling resentment and not wanting to let go of it so easily.
Combined with a memory like an elephant so betrayal won’t be forgotten so easily.
Urgh, what a drama …
Why do I believe I need it?
I am by far not perfect, what gives me the right to punish imperfection in others? Have I not done similar things to them?
In fact to myself?
Still I feel I need to punish.
To pinsh.
So I watch myself being mean.
Just a little.
Shorter text messages, less loved up emojis. And I am contemplating not seeing him tonight. Because I know he would not like that.
And all of this so I can prove to myself that I don’t need ANYBODY.
Not him, and not a group.
And I don’t really. Need anyone else.
Do I need proof though?
It’s nice to have somebody.
To belong.
Especially when they are a lot of fun.
And I am in love with them.
So the decision of staying in my own company for the second night in a row could be completely cool.
Not tinted by wanting to pinch.
Instead tinted by loving my Christmassy room, the candles, the lit-up paper star in the window, my food, my bed with the crispy white sheets. Watching silly movies. Finishing the bottle of Prosecco.
I adore it.
Nothing about the pinch.
But it also could be, right?
When I prefer that. On purpose.
What is the purpose of me staying home tonight? Is it to please myself or to hurt Jones?
Good question …
Which one do I want it to be?
I don’t like to be pinchful and mean. Especially not to Jones.
Pinching is not nice. It usually comes out of nowhere to the person being pinched.
Does pinching others feel nice?
Revenge?
Usually not.
You hope it’s sweet but it usually is bitter.
But what about the pinch? Is there not a certain sweetness in pinching others? Passing on suffering?
I suffer so I want to share it with you.
In order for you to suffer too.
What is that? Is it sweet?
Do I seek suffering validation?
Proof that I am not alone in my suffering?
Creating a tribe of sufferingers?
Where is the point of suffering in company? Does it feel better?
And I just proclaimed that I don’t need others.
And anywho, it’s not really shared because it separates instead of connects. You cannot marvel at and discuss it other than in an argument.
And I hate arguments even more than I hate being mean.
So I feel bad … and worse because I make someone else feel bad too.
Whyyyyyy the fuck then?
Instead, I want to feel free to make decisions which make me feel good.
And not others bad.
Besides, Jones might not even feel pinched because he kinda enjoys his own company too.
So I am pinching, presuming that he feels pinched.
But he might not at all, he might totally feel grateful for the space too because I guess I can be quite full on at times. He has previously done well without me so why wouldn’t he enjoy his own company? Two nights in a row?
So me pinching might so not have the desired effect.
And an effect that I initially also didn’t really want … Jones hurting.
What I want is not to feel the pinch in the first place Or feeling it briefly (like the other day) but then letting it go. Not to someone else, but into nothingness.
Letting go of it.
It being swept away.
Spectacularly so, because that would be fun.
Blown away in a storm.
#stormBella
So tonight I might stay at home.
Or go over and cuddle and kiss Jones.
I don’t mind either way.
It’ll completely depend on the weather …
