Theme: ROUTINE BOX

23.01.2021

Why do we like routine? The false sense of security? When we have learnt a certain task and remain in that task to be performed over and over again we don’t have to think about it anymore. Is that a good thing? Does it free our minds to fill with other stuff? To learn more?

The process of learning occupies the mind. In my case, it‘s a busy place already I suppose without me having to think about waking up or breathing. Is the mind a finite storage place and routines necessary? To we fill it with worthy things? Or is the mind like the Universe, endless space forever expanding? Wouldn’t it be cool to philosophise like breathing? I guess it would not, as it then would not cross my mind.

I suppose bodily functions are not routines or habits but something entirely different.

A.’s dad is an accomplished University professor on cultural studies I believe. He wrote several books which I found on her bedside table. Wow, not one paragraph was making any sense to me. None of the words stuck. An incredible mind deeply involved in its matter. And there are minds which are on the same level, appreciating this way of thinking, otherwise there would be no books like this. Another language to me, although written in English.

How can the same language be a different language? Why does language, when becoming scientific and describing parts of our reality, become complicated and complex, an entirely different language? Is it necessary?

When do people become teachers, there creating students? There would not be teachers without students … are teachers actors rather than translators? Relators? Do we have to relate to everyone?

Language separates. When we study, do we actually understand or just start to speak in another language so other people think we received knowledge?

Is it true understanding or just a language club?

It always baffles me how people talk talk but say and mean nothing. We are impressed by language. Social classes are separated through it. On a day-to-day basis everyone says the same, really, but when one is ‘educated’ in a certain language, you have infinite more life options. The way we speak determines how we are categorised and socially perceived.

When I was a mixed race kid in a predominantly white neighbourhood ( I don’t actually like to say that as it sounds racially biased, from my part. By me saying this it makes me racist in a way, but I say it to make a point, to set the scene for my point. Don’t racists do the same? To the extreme? In caricature? It was nobody’s fault back then that I and my brother were unceremoniously plonked in that specific neighbourhood at the time and that we stood out with our darker skin and enviable hair. We were surprising, different, out of the ordinary … so yes, we were perceived. Curiously watched. We were a mutation to the routine of our white surroundings which made people think and wonder. Isn’t that a good thing?)

[D’s other name is Surprise … she hates it but I think it’s kinda cool to be a surprise.]

At the time I was very aware of it. People’s thoughts about me. I felt it was more curiosity than negative thought. Or maybe a mixture of both. Being jolted out of a routine, visually and mentally, can be a little unsettling, I agree.

But I was also aware that I could jolt them right back into their comfort zone. With language. By being a surprise.

I remember going into shops and standing there waiting my turn. I remember feeling people’s thoughts in their eyes. Germans are not very subtle that way. When curious, they stare. The English are curious too but staring would be perceived as common and rude. But open curiosity is a German thing. The need to understand. To categorise. And in the shop I would literally feel myself being categorised and archived in a box somewhat labelled

“Possibly immigrant, probably adopted or God forbid illegitimate, definitely foreign, funny hair”

It used to make me very uncomfortable. And I hated that feeling of being squeezed into a box.

Until I found my secret weapon. The moment of surprise.

So when it was my turn, I would pull out my most local of Hamburg accents and order. And I could literally feel myself collectively and gently yet abruptly being taken out of the box I was already in and put on a ‘special’ shelf. Like a doll. “OMG, she is similar to us. But different. Not a threat to our existence, but curiously cute”.

I got a lot of pleasure from that surprise moment and would make it my little game.

Being a doll was better than a threat.

Marginally. It was safe.

Interesting, writing about this little anecdote also just made me realise that, equally so, I could’ve also already placed myself in that box, a box labelled “Hangups” which I labelled myself and therefore I was able to recognise it and project it onto other people’s stare?

I guess the cool thing is that I could’ve stayed there in my box and interpreted other people’s curiosity as confirmation.

But I made it my game to crawl out of it, feeling lifted.

Was that maybe the reason why I never encountered open discrimination?

Language was my protection. A box wasn’t. But we think it is. That’s why we put ourselves in there I suppose.

What is intellect?

Def: “the faculty of reasoning and understanding objectively, especially with regard to abstract matters.”

Can we ever understand if we observe things not as a part of ourselves but apart instead?

I feel that my life is a complete monologue. That I am constantly referencing what I observe, to myself. Not all the time, mind you, because often I forget and get wrapped up in the observation. But it goes there more and more, the feeling that my reality is simply a mirror, staring back at me in infinite variations. Of the world.

It is not that I am navigating this body, this existence through this world or reality. But that I am the very same, looking and observing myself in everything. Intellectualising I guess.

Why do I find it so hard to stop talking and start listening and observing more?

I miss Jones.

I miss his male energy. I feel less inspired to write the last 10 days or so. I feel I am hanging out with too much female energy. Too much talking. Had to take myself out for half a day …

I thrive with male energy and I haven’t had any for the last 3 weeks. It’s ok but I can feel it physically. Don’t feel horny in the slightest and cannot even be bothered to play with myself … not good.

Always more fun to play with someone else.

Met up with H. We went on a freezing cold walk and had a good chat. He showed my his Berlin apartment … it is so him. But not Amsterdam.

All is 0 and 1

wahr und nicht-wahr

LOGIC

und /oder / nicht …. is there a 4th? Can it be compared to plus / minus / divided / multiplied?

Logische Opperanten

Und =auch … Überschneidung (check primary school Mengenlehre)

Sweet spot

Algorithms

Maybe I should do a coding class … seeing ads for that everywhere now. A sign? Lol, algorithms calling me to algorithms

How fortuitous that H. knows about all of those things.

“Come back and stay for good this time …” (who was that song by again?)

Need a close proximity beamer in my life. It’s the coolest!

INVESTMENT

H. and I were discussing how it comes that rents are rising into the astronomical … demand for housing has not risen accordingly over the last decade or so. We realised that there is not more demand for the thing itself but demand for money to flow.

Apparently, someone in the States won 1 billion Dollars in the lottery. This would not have been possible a decade ago …

The minute something becomes possible, it inspires and opens up doors to more. Same with money.

There always has to be someone FIRST!

I want to be the FIRST in what I do … The key is belief in what you do has value … and not loosing faith. This makes you a first.