Theme: PARENTAL CHILDHOOD

07.01.2021

‘‘Twas the night before Berlin, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even (a) Muis..”

Jones and I had, what looked like, our first argument. And I see it. Berlin is on his mind and I have a feeling that it feels to him like a break up. I’m only gonna be max. 3 weeks but it’s been a while since we’ve been apart more than a day. And also that’s rare. So I am leaving. Leaving him. The time doesn’t matter. So I know it’s both on our minds.

It seems that Jones is worried that I will sleep around. But that is not my fear with him. Or only a little bit.

However, I have absolutely no intention of doing so, but I believe it might be him who will be tempted. And I believe it needs to happen. And that’s ok. Being attracted and attractive to the opposite sex is fun. And healthy. Obviously I don’t want him to fuck around while I’m away but he could also do that while I’m not away. If he wanted to. Amsterdam or Berlin doesn’t matter. He’s done it before. So it doesn’t matter how close or far I am, the option of it happening or making it happen is always there.

And I realise that his fear is also my fear, magnified to show me my fear. Through the looking glass.

Last night when we were about to go to bed, I mentioned that I believe I’ve recently not had enough orgasms. And Jones took it personal. Because I made it so.

Unintentionally.

He got all defensive and took it as criticism, questioning his performance as a whole. Throwing the baby out with the bath water. Like I did with my feedback last month. Instead of just looking at the one thing that is suggested for improvement, something important enough to mention, however, small enough to not be more important in view of the overall …

And I could see it.

Insecurities creeping in and making him/me retreat more and more.

Once pointed out, that’s where the focus goes.

And no matter how much of reassurance I present, and despite me having the most diverse and fun and playful and sexy sex I’ve had in my whole life, within one person, him, nothing stuck of what I said … and the more i said, the worse it got.

And although he admitted that he was really happy I mentioned it, because that’s what lovers in healthy progressive loving trusting relationships do, the discussion was going nowhere. And the more I wanted to play it down, the bigger it got.

The key to feedback is to not make it personal. Instead of saying “Babe, you know sometimes after you come, you leave the mood and my orgasm is forgotten”, which seems to be a guy thing or can be a girls thing too, and it’s annoying but I get it, but that’s not the point, but the point being to say instead “Babe, I want more orgasms!”

That’s it. And then he can just reply OK 👍🏽 barely looking up from his phone and all is sorted. Or we would’ve laughed our heads off and get horny and have more fun sex and me climaxing.

No big deal! We do that all the time anyway.

Making it personal. That’s such an adult thing to do. Noticing something needing improvement, a lack, and making it the responsibility of the other.

By saying … “I noticed a lack and it seems to be coming from you … that you lack something … or you don’t give me” puts it on the other person. Always.

But by saying instead “I want more of the good stuff” could mean both that either you or I give it. Both our responsibility.

Same last month with work. Instead of telling me that I was working too slow (which really meant taking too much time — which is my specialty, taking time) and it triggering me enormously, they could’ve said they wished for more speed.

Same thing but different. Better.

Berlin is funny. I am leaving Amsterdam which never has been so restricted in movement, almost more now than the first time around back in Spring. And I am going to Germany where movement restrictions have literally just tightened 2 days ago. No movement at all. Apparently.

I am being tested. Big time. Do I believe that going to Berlin gives me freedom from the perceived restraints of a relationship? Maybe …

And it’s reflecting how I feel.

My biggest desire at the moment is to travel and visit old friends and acquaintances. See places. Eat different food, have new cultural experiences. I wanna visit Ghana or go and stay in any other beautiful hot place for a couple of months … and the invitations to visit come pouring in. From all sides. Berlin was just the beginning. There is also Rome, Tel Aviv and Ghana. And everywhere else if I just asked. I need to see people. And be in a sunny place.

Butt …

At the same time Jones is getting a job. And it is amazing. This was one of his primary goals back in summer and it is a complete miracle that he is accomplishing it. It is exciting. He talks business and it’s sexy.

I want him to have a job (occupation) which inspires him and makes him happy and gives him financial freedom and I ALSO want to be with him all the time because we are having so much fun together. I ALSO want to travel the world and be with people and stay in beautiful places doing a job which inspires ME giving me also financial freedom.

So do I have to sacrifice either his or mine happiness and freedom in order to be together?

My freedom vs his freedom?

True, I am a goddess but I don’t appreciate sacrifices. Not even little ones disguised as compromises.

I believe Jones and I have the potential to have it all. I just can’t see how, yet. And the not seeing makes me slightly anxious.

So let’s see.

Having it all is the goal.

I have been short sighted since the age of 9 years I believe and back then glasses were not pretty. And the cheap ones were worse. Bottle bottoms. It sucked and I cannot really remember the time with my glasses. There are no photos I believe. The only time I remember was having lost my glasses and wining it blindly through school for a while. Sitting in the back of the class praying that I was not asked to explain what was writing on the blackboard. And whatever was written there, I wouldn’t copy from my neighbour or I guess not at all. I never thought of this. How did I manage? How did I socialise not recognising people in the playground? Maybe that’s why I had only a couple of close friends. Maybe that’s why I prefer one-on-one friendships because I can only focus on one person at the time, properly! Ha, I wonder if from the outside it looked as if I was being selective. Not recognising others might’ve come across as arrogant. Hahah … and I am the most warm person I know.

But the perception of me might’ve been different.

Wow, I never realised.

And this focusing on one person for me means that I can give them the proper love and attention they deserve. But it could also mean that they are under my magnifying glass.

Is that why I was a Virgo and always do critical? Seeing other people’s flaws? And therefor recognising my own? That has always been a thing of mine. Recognising flaws and letting them go because I realise I have the same. Was I focusing too much on the MINE IS YOURS thing of one side of the coin and not enough of the same on the other side of the coin?

Fuck, probably.

Wow.

But I mellowed out a lot. Letting go of stuff. Being accepting of other’s ‘faults’ and treating everyone the same and as human and brilliant and ‘overlooking’ their ‘faults’. Because I accepted those faults in me too. How can I throw the first stone? But what I did for others I hardly did for myself. Being self-critical is a thing of mine.

Maybe it’s time to focus instead on all the good things I also reflect from others, not just faults but also all the good stuff. truly equal.

What does it mean to be away?

If I’m away from the one I love, does it mean I don’t love?

If I’m away from the one I appreciate, does it mean I don’t appreciate?

If I’m away from the one I trust, does it mean I don’t trust?

No, of course not.

Also, if I’m away, why do I then believe that the one I love doesn’t feel loved?

Or if I’m away, why do I believe that the one I trust doesn’t trust? Or an appreciated one doesn’t appreciate?

Why do I believe that by leaving Hastings, I have to over and over proclaim my love to my daughter? With words and money and heart emojis? Why do I not trust her to live her full potential? Why don’t I appreciate the fact that she might appreciate me being away as we have always been so close?

She is reflecting exactly that to me. And it feels shallow, because I don’ like what I see. If I’m completely honest, and it took a talk with her godmother to make me realise, that she only messages me when it’s about money. All wrapped up in heart emojis. And I have been obliging. Happily. Not thinking anything of it. That’s what I thought parents do. My parents couldn’t, we never had any money, so I wanted to make sure I can give to my own child. Whenever she needed. But is that right? Am I keeping her ‘in touch’ by keeping her attached to me through her need for money?

Great parenting.

Staying in touch. It could also be the reverse. Her staying in touch because she is fulfilling my need for staying in touch with her who is a marvel in independence with money. Staying in touch with something to hat means so much for me. My reason why I went to Amsterdam. To sort out my business. To make money. For her.

And by her apparently needing it from me by asking all the time, it almost confirms that I need to make it. Mirroring. We mirror each other. Money=time. Maybe I should spend more time with her. Instead. Spending on spending time with my daughter. We always have so much fun together, but whenever I visit, she doesn’t seem to have time. But when she visits, we have a great time. And I miss her. But I don’t feel guilty having moved to Amsterdam. I know it had to be done. For myself and also her. To create mental distance because we are so close. In mind.

Mental distance and living my freedom should not restrict her freedom. But I am restricting it by not letting go of her, keeping her dependent to prevent her from being independent.

Lovely awful mother 😂

And I know she feels guilty not being in touch too. So she keeps in touch by one thing that is my need: to support her financially. But I realise now that it is not her need. It’s excessive.

And that doesn’t mean she does not need my love, she already has it!

(Double negative is positive)

I have always marvelled how my daughter is so beautiful and kind and clever and talented. And surprised by her business mindedness, which I never believed I had. So I presumed since I didn’t seem to have it, and I was never able to show her, I presumed that she couldn’t have it either. Feeling eternally guilty for not being able to show her. Wrong presumption. But it was never my responsibility to show her. Because both her and I already have it. There is no time delay. I don’t have to live it FOR HER or BEFORE HER, but just live it. She is, therefore I am. And Vice Versa.

No separation.

I left my keys. And I shall lock my door when I leave.

Doing things differently. Same but different.

It’s in the prepositions.

They are variables.

I left my keys inside and now I am locked out.

Same thing. Different meaning. Like LEEREN

This is fun.

If something does not make sense, I usually ignore to investigate. For fear of what I might discover. But my 6th sense is my intuition which should guide me in uncovering beliefs I have about things.

By Lollie renting a villa in Cancun for herself and her friends, I was wondering “how is that possible when I believe she has no money? but ignored it completely. However, by connecting the two, I can then look at my own belief, and change it into “if she has money to do something epic like this, she must have enough money — and therefore doesn’t need mine/more”

But I was afraid to question, because it would mean to question a belief I believe I needed.

The belief in the need to be supported and supportive.

But the freedom is by believing that she IS supported, has enough money to do epic things. And more.

My freedom by acknowledging her freedom.

Win win

Cool 😎

I love it.

If she wants and needs in her texts, I shall say YOU HAVE. Because I provided everything. Lollie is aching to buy another flat, yet we have one. At her disposal. She says she needs sheepskin gloves, I am sure we have more than one pair in the little room in the flat. We have it all somewhere or rather. The little room in the flat is our treasure cave. We just stuffed everything in there in order to forget. To walk away from. We need to revisit. I shall travel out there to do so. Remember the wealth I already had for which I didn’t have to go to Amsterdam for.

But I am so glad I did. I am having the time of my life every single day.

Hastings represents to me ‘having no money’ and that’s why I ran away but if I am honest despite maybe having had no money I had everything I wanted. And more.

Curious.

I don’t like to read. Although I had a love for then paper. But somehow I am afraid that I stumble across ideas which I thought were original to me and someone will have already thought of that. Making it unoriginal.

But I can imagine that reading other’s thoughts and someone else having them , and published, could also mean that if we have the same thoughts that my tv ought are valid.

Do I miss reading? No.

Ha, however, by watching movies and having my thoughts reflected in what I watch is so much fun. But same thing. So it’s cool. I can keep on watching movies instead of feeing bad about not reading books because watching is more fun to me. For now.

Is it a coincidence that my AirBnB host is Bulgarian and called Julian? Haha, nice combination. Can he please look like Mikiel? 😋

What is mine is hers also.

Always has been.

There is nothing to add.

Not mother and daughter. But equals.

How would I talk to Lauren if she was Johannes asking me to borrow £40 at the end of the month? For the 10th time? Hahaha …I would say Piss off and get your shit together!

Do I want to get challenged? Yes. In order to examine(examinate) my beliefs.

A teacher is only a good teacher if he/she can be asked/ask questions about what he/she teaches, right? And sometimes, somebody else has to ask those questions.

Ask away …

BOYS IN THE PARENTHOOD

Adults are simply children pretending to be something else but. And that something else is called ‘adult’. We gave it a name, therefore an identity outside of childhood. But we are still children. Pretending to be adults.

Which is no fun and hard work.

Parents are able to create children. Duplicating. Cell duplication. But instead of sharing childhood, they create something else called parenthood, trying their whole life to connect. From different platforms.

Thereby parents often are needy and childish and creating drama, while children are often the grown up and sensible ones.

The irony.

So parents, remember being a fun child. And the connection will be there.

To the fun child.

In you.

Stop trying to be an adult. It’s as ridiculous as for a pair of baboons pretending to be humans.

But it’s funny.

So go ahead and pretend.

But don’t forget to laugh.