Theme: NEED PUNK
Jones is coming out of detox today. Not sure how I feel about it. I feel a strange feeling. On one hand I am completely disconnected. He could be anyone in the street with a blue mouth mask.
But then there is this little distant faint hot sparkling thing that is directly connected to my innerst and it feeds its brother there.
And I am scared of which of the feelings will prevail the moment I see him again.
CHOICE: Which one do I want to prevail?
Do I want to feel nothing?
Maybe I do, which makes it easier to completely detach in 6 weeks.
To walk away.
The question is: DO I WANT TO BE WITH JONES?
THESE ARE MY OPTIONS
Option 1: YES
Option 2: NO
in order to make way for
Option 3: CUSTOM MADE OPTION
My cosmic order with the fucking good looks giftcard redemption.
Option 4: ALL
Do I want Jones to be all I desire, all inclusive?
The ALL and more?
Do I believe he can be that?
There is potential but …
WHY can’t he be pretty? WHY do I have a track record of weird and awkward looking boyfriends? Boyfriends I can’t take anywhere with me?
I WANT HIM TO BE HANDSOME
I want that when we walk down the street that people look at us, jealous of how amazing we look together.
Hmmm… that’s not entirely true. I think it is actually funnier when people on the street stop and look and think
“How the fuck …”
But it is I who wants to look at him and go all gooey and in love and starry eyed and heart expanding and the sparkling brother in me spreading all through my body.
THAT’S WHAT I WANT
AND I ALSO WANT US TO BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, STYLISH, EXTRAVAGANT AND SCRUFFY COUPLE ON THE PLANET
And somehow I have the feeling I can be that with Jones
But there could also be other Jonesies …
Back to option 1 and option 2
WAR & PEACE
Couples moving in together end up in either WAR or DEFEAT
War if both keep up the fight for their individuality
Defeat if both relinquish it
WHERE IS THE PEACE?
Isn’t current peace so fragile because it is disguised defeat? Learning to live with compromises… that is not peace but a long lasting CEASE FIRE
Are we not too easily agreeing to a ceasefire? And a ceasefire really is a defeat on both sides
There is tension in a ceasefire because at any moment it can blow. Are we addicted to ceasefire? where is the fun and tension in peace?
IS TENSION FUN?
If I want to be something, I have to move there. And Jonesie will follow. Or not. But I shall not wait for him.
What do I need him for then? Why am I not just simply letting go? Am I still so attached to the story of YOUTH and WEALTH? Clearly none of it he has.
Quite the opposite.
I am more youthful and wealthier than him!!
Give no thing
Because no body
Needs any thing
I WANT TO BE RESPECTED
But I am not because I am so fucking predictable.
Always there. On time.
Always in a good mood.
Always honest. Well most of the time.
Always fucking reliable.
You cannot respect someone like that. You can love them and think they are a good person.
You respect a good person like you would respect a lamb or a kitten. Only a very bad person disrespects a lamb or a kitten.
Respecting a good person makes the other one a good person too.
That’s not respect.
It’s crutching each other
I don’t want to be someone else’s crutch.
I DON’T WANT TO BE LOVED
I always wanted to be loved rather than respected. That was my primary goal in life. To get on with EVERYONE. Harmonie.
But do we LOVE a kitten or a lamb?
It is not love we feel towards them… it’s something else
We are drawn to them because they are weaker than us. That’s why we cannot be mean to them and they might mistake our affection for love. If they were so inclined. We think they are
Make us feel good
They bring out our protective instincts. Being a protector makes us feel strong and in charge (charged). We fee an inner strength which might not be felt in any other way. Because we ourselves feel weak most of the time. So protecting someone weaker than us makes us feel strong. And less weak ourselves.
This is why we need kittens and lambs
Protecting is also taking responsibility. We are happy doing that with pets. And children. BUT WE LOATHE IT IN PEERS.
Protecting a peer is hard. Especially if it’s a Conference. Because it is hard. To be stronger than others.
It is not hard to be stronger than a child or a pet.
But why would someone else need our protection?
Can’t they not protect themselves?
And are pets and children without protection?
I don’t know how anyone can watch Schindler’s List without falling to pieces …
Under the umbrella of
Offering someone else to stand under your umbrella
By offering them to stand there, do I take responsibility?
Does that make me responsible for them, extending a hand?
Is that a contract?
Helping others is noble.
Making them depend on you is cruel
Extend a hand
But also take it away
So the other can find their own strength
What if I was the umbrella, and a really big one so I can’t see the individual underneath it? Would I still feel responsible and contracted?
What if I was a tree?
Would I concern myself about the individual underneath?
Would I concern myself about the number of individuals underneath?
Would I concern myself with the wind and the rain, with snow or sunshine?
Would I concern myself with wasps build their kingdom in my branches?
Would I concern myself with a bear sharpening his claws on my trunk?
Would I feel responsible or protective about any of that?
People would come and seek shade from the sun … and go
People would come and seek shelter from the rain … and go
People would maybe like me so much they would build a house under my branches …
Would I feel responsible for them?
Would a tree WANT to feel responsible for them? I don’t know, maybe …
But if so, what would be the reason?
What is that bullshit all about?
I WANT TO BE FREE OF THE NEED TO FEEL NEEDED
Which means I need to behave as not having to be needed.
Not giving a shit.
I don’t want a boyfriend. I want to have fun.
If he is fun, I stay.
Otherwise I’ll go.
I am the TREE of FUN