Theme: MESSY TRUST
25.02.2021
Who would I trust more, someone messy or someone tidy?
Depends.
Both, but in different settings.
I am attracted to tidy.
I’m German.
But I can be very untidy as well, I just disguise it as creativity and I believe someone cannot be tidy when creative.
Mess is a process.
A necessary one.
But is tidy the goal?
I would trust someone tidy with my finances but only someone messy with my dreams.
Would I feel more comfortable with mess seeing the tidy goal?
Yes.
I like tidy.
It’s functional.
Less waste of time it seems.
But what does that mean?
I like tidy when I need to be focussed.
Like it drives me nuts when someone is messy and takes ages to find something I want.
However, messy people seem to be doing just as well as tidy people. Both look different but they both get shit done. In different ways.
Messy people simply un-focus the ‘mess’ and focus on what is important.
Tidying up is time spent too.
To save later.
But is it necessary?
I found it difficult to focus when there is mess. It bothers me. But when I was at the height of my creative work, I was living in the most incredible material mess … and still focussed.
This is the challenge?
To not waste time cleaning up first?
I don’t enjoy cleaning up, that’s why I keep things clean as I go along now.
Not clean because I hate washing up.
But am I not depriving myself of beautiful food because of that?
No, I eat out.
It’s my luxury and I love it.
Win win
I always thought that smoking on an empty stomach was rank.
First thing in the morning when everything was Virgin.
Smoking Mary.
I just had one and it feels like the only one I need. All other moments of smoking during the day is out of boredom.
Could be true.
I know Jones smoked frequently during the day. And I did with him when we were together. We would always share one.
Two puffs each.
I felt connected when we did that.
It’s like smoking a peace pipe.
Create common ground.
To move from together.
But then I always felt we weren’t moving.
It frustrated me.
I was restless.
I wanted to do stuff.
But he was fine just being together.
I believed it was laziness.
But not so sure now.
What is there to do really?
Other then rolling?
If you think about it most days we just waste/fill with fake activity.
Chilling doesn’t look like much, however, things get done too.
Maybe even more.
But from the outside it doesn’t look like much.
Where are the accomplishments to show for?
Car, house … ?
Having all of that stuff only creates more work. More things to do in the day.
When I had all of that I remember thinking sometime that all I do all day is to manage all of it.
Fake activity.
What for?
Spending money and keeping me busy all day?
Managing the stuff that I accumulated?
People buy houses.
The upkeep of those keeps them financially dependent. And in a job.
Houses cost money.
We think they are an asset but they are actually a liability, when you live in it.
@Robert Kiyosaki taught me that. And omg is that true.
I remember when I got divorced in 2007, I thought it was only fair to give my ex half because I wanted to stay on good terms. So I gave him half. When I finally sold the house because I was tired of the upkeep (at the time I also had an allotment and a studio) I remember his mum mentioning in passing that he was pissed off with me for doing that and not giving him anything of the profit.
Excuse me?
The house appreciated over the years that’s true but who was the person appreciating it? Painting, new kitchen, cleaning, the garden .. all that cost shitloads of money.
As a single mum without financial support from my ex spouse, I paid for it not only with my money but also my privacy.
Living outside of London in an area with no jobs and remote working was only just prototyped, I could only afford the house by having lodgers and housing German students on language trips.
So fuck off!
Having that beautiful house and making it a beautiful home for L cost me a lot of money.
But I had handsome help from my uncle and Manne. Thank you for painting my house for me. ❤️
But nobody other than me ever touched the garden, even when I was married. J was brought up on a London balcony so the concept of garden work was unfamiliar to him. He was also a musician so anything to do with tools was potential danger.
So I was the landscaper and fixer of things. Getting really good at IKEA assemblage. Freakishly so.
It was fun to me and in a relationship you pool skills and make it work.
Together.
But what about preferences?
Did I prefer to do the fixing around the house? Sometimes. But sometimes it would’ve been nice not having to.
In relationships it seems we fall into the skill bit but override the preference bit. It never occurred to me to ask J to do some fixing for a change because after a couple of no’s or other excuses, I just stopped asking. Presuming that he couldn’t do any of it.
And vice versa.
J bossed the kitchen (I fixed it).
He took over all the cooking because he enjoyed it. So I stayed out.
Because I had better things to do.
I presumed he preferred it that way because he never complained.
However, there might’ve been moments where he would’ve preferred not to cook but maybe didn’t want to ask.
So the roles were set.
And I started to be so out of cooking, that I even burn the peas.
Making me look completely inadequate in the cooking department.
But I’m actually quite a decent cook but when we were together I didn’t have the chance often.
I would obviously do and enjoy it when he was on tour.
Cook what I like to eat.
I loved it although J was a good cook. He made the most awesome dhal.
So I got my cooking kicks when he was away.
Couples get into a rut of presumption. And because they are so close, it can become an issue. The markers for presumptions are constant. And sling to do things differently often is not considered.
Oh, I already know how she will react!
Oh, I already know he won’t like it!
But how do we know?
Don’t we ourselves change our mind about stuff all the time?
Why do we presume the other won’t, in changing circumstances?
And also, when and how often do couples change the circumstances?
Couples stay out often because of children.
And the mortgage.
And the job.
Stuck in a certain lifestyle with other couples stuck in there with them, reflecting off each other.
Truly stuck.
And then we are surprised or not why relationships deteriorate.
Communication is the key.
Just ask.
But in order to ask, we also have to ask ourselves:
Do i feel like cooking today?
Do I feel like gardening today?
Do I feel like risking the car to MOT?
Am I inspired?
When I am, everything is fun and a breeze.
But I need to feel the inspiration first, which is difficult when I jump into conclusions first. Stuck in presumptions.
And over time these presumptions about that person you once fell in love with start to cloud our vision.
And often we only end up only seeing our presumptions reflected in them .. and we cannot remember ever having loved them in the first place.
Cue: separation
I always found it curious.
How is it possible to fall out of love with someone you were deeply in love with, once?
Where is that memory gone?
And why can’t it be triggered again?
I was always wondering how many couples who even admit that’s what happened to them, even after couple therapy are able to rekindle that feeling for good?
@familytherapists: what’s the deal with that? Are there any numbers?
I guess that feedback to each other with a neutral person can be beneficial. I can also imagine that it can end up in a
Yeah, but-battle
You are this …
Yeah, but you are also this …
You did that …
Yeah, but you also did that …
Back and forth.
Basically mirroring.
But not reflecting.
The ‘Yeah’ is the acknowledgement that what the other one says is kinda true when you are honest, however, by going straight into the ‘But’ it pushes the responsibility away from yourself back to the other. Who pushes it back to you.
You can okay that game all day long.
All through your relationship.
And couples do.
The feedback never feels justified.
As feedback often does.
It’s a real challenge.
I myself are terrible with ‘negative’ feedback, I instantly feel criticised and want to push it away instantly.
I want to say
“How dare you criticise me when you are not so bloody perfect yourself either!”
That was always my thing.
Like Jesus once said: only who is free of sin can throw the first stone.
Bloody (Virgin Mary) nobody is but everyone of throwing.
Wft
We love a good stoning it seems.
Very Monty Python.
Any women present?
Oh no, only odd men. With beards
I wonder who believes they are superior in the perfection department, male or female? Who perceives themselves as the superior gender?
People live in penthouses.
Close to the sky.
Therefore, the only way to move is
Business class.
How you position yourself is what counts.
It’s a location.
That’s all.
I totally dig where Howard Hughes was coming from.
Clever man.
I would trust him.
I noticed the last few days I am forgetting things.
For example my keys.
I’ve never been like that. In 4 years living here, I only forgot my keys twice and once they were stolen.
I was lucky that other people were living with me.
But I guess for someone else that is quite a lot or forgetting keys.
Maybe that’s why Ialways lived with other people so if I forget my keys there will always be someone to let me back in.
Curious.
Could it be a psychological tick?
Was it that maybe subconsciously I knew I was messy and forgetful and would arrange a back up for myself?
All the while thinking and being annoyed that all the responsibility was always on me?
Maybe.
What if everybody else would think I was a mess when I myself believed to be the complete opposite?
Hiding the mess somewhat?
It really struck when my landlord said I had tons of stuff in my room recently.
I was outraged since I believe I lived the bare minimum plus a couple of girlie bits on top.
Boy, when I got all my clothes out the other day, it was the biggest pile.
How was I not aware of it?
Everything was safely tucked away.
What else am I not aware of?
What if I think I’m rubbish at math and other people think I’m totally awesome at it?
Under what premise?
Compared to what?
COMPARISONS
We compare all day, everyday.
Ourselves to others and others to ourselves.
But from what premise?
It’s curious that the heaviest thing of all my possessions I am in the process of letting go of is also the lightest: my white roll of tissue paper. It weighs a ton.
I wonder what that represents.
Every business starts as a good idea.
An idea with belief.
Creating belief.
And servicing exactly that.
No conspiracy.
Only choices.
To explore.
The belief.
For me, smoking is not about inhaling deeply (like I thought) but exhaling.
Deeply.
Emptying the lungs.
Two puffs are enough then.
Why are there no half cigarettes?
They would serve everyone.
Sustainable smoking.
Who wants to be the first?
#itonlytakes2 @tobaccocompanies
Mars MONSTERBALL
Coming soon
