Theme: LESS IS MORE

19.12.2020

I talked to Jones. About the butt jokes.

It bothered me all day, almost to the point where I was questioning our relationship.

I get my African butt covering knickers in such a twist over stuff like this, an ugly hippy tie dye of insecurities, getting the better of me.

And usually I get my stomach so knotted, without my realising the knotting, well actually I realise but I don’t think that there is anything I can do about it over time l.

Other that bolt.

I have never been a good talker about stuff. In bed.

It makes me laugh writing this.

I’m so full of shit.

In reality I can talk all day if I have to, happily spreading my messy opinions.

But when it comes to things that itch me in relationships, I don’t scratch.

I let it itch until I go crazy and explode. And I argue my way out of the relationship in a flurry of sparks.

The only way the burning itch is doused is with bath water including baby.

And then I am so happy about the lack of itch that the lack of my baby doesn’t feel so bad.

Sad.

But this time I am doing it differently.

I will speak my mind.

And last night I did.

I fumbled and stumbled to explain how his butt jokes and mentions of his exes bothers me, trying to say it without hurting his feelings or coming across as insecure or looking like an idiot for making nothing into something …

But he just laughed at me and kissed me and said how much he loved me for saying and how happy he is I spoke my mind and he will be more mindful.

And just like that my knickers unravelled.

Literally.

It was easy.

Everything is easy.

Things are only complicated in our mind. Because we make it so.

Reden ist Silver, Schweigen ist Gold

I seem to have the notion that when I am with someone and I am quiet that people might think I am moody or no fun or somewhat pissed off.

So I have the habit to talk a lot when in a social environment.

I can imagine I then come across as hyper and in need to be the focus of attention.

I can feel myself doing it but can’t help it. Can’t stop.

Because I feel that if someone is contemplative and quiet, they might be pissed off with me or bored or brooding over something.

But is that the case?

Jones does not like me to talk in the morning.

When I wake up and feel inspired to write and he stirs, I have the urge to chat.

Not necessarily about the stuff I wrote but in general. But he always says ‘let’s just have a little more sleep’ which is basically a nicer way of saying

Shut the Fuck up.

Fair enough.

I shall just be quiet more often. And listen more … or just do NOTHING.

I don’t want to become or be one of these people who suffer from lack of social interaction and when they then get launched into a group of humans, they just talk over everyone else.

Nobody stops them but they go uu- hugh and nodding politely, not really listening but letting the talker just do their thing. Yet, deep down phasing out but feeling obliged to be nice.

I don’t want people just to be nice to me because they feel they have to.

I don’t want to have to be nice to Jones because I think that’s what girlfriends do. It is nice also to sometimes not to be nice. It’s fun. It’s freedom.

HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF?

Keeping that in mind is integrity.

Uprooting negative beliefs. always.

12 THINGS I DON’T LIKE TO DO

1. I don’t like having to get up early in the morning when I feel like sleeping in
2. I don’t like having to pay a lot of money for something I don’t feel adds value to my life
3. I don’t like having to exercise or diet
4. I don’t like having to do something because I feel obliged
5. I don’t like having to be in cold weather when I feel like being in warm sunshine
6. I don’t like having to face people I feel apprehensive about
7. I don’t like having to go f shopping when I feel hungry
8. I don’t like having to say NO to someone when I feel like saying YES
9. I don’t like having to be stingy when I feel like being generous
10. I don’t like having to find money when I feel like money coming effortlessly
11. I don’t like having to do something I feel someone else expects me to do
12. I don’t like having to be anything else other than what I feel excited about being

12 THINGS I LIKE TO DO INSTEAD

1. I like getting up early in the morning when I feel inspired to do something fun
2. I like paying a lot of money for something I feel adds immense value to my life
3. I like exercising when I feel beautiful and fit.
4. I like feeling free of obligation and expectations of others.
5. I like being in cold weather when I had enough of warm sunshine.
6. I like facing people I feel apprehensive about when I feel smart and brave,
7. I like shopping for food when I am not hungry but enjoy the activity exploring exiting new foods.
8. I like saying NO to someone when I feel like saying NO. And YES when I feel like saying YES.
9. I like being stingy when I feel that people taking the piss, and generous when I feel like people deserve it and it makes me feel happy.
10. I like finding money when I don’t expect it and don’t particularly need it but feel it is fun to have shit loads of it and enjoy it.
11. I like doing things which other people don’t expect. I like surprising others and myself.
12. I like being everything I want to be and feel excited about being.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO THEN?

1. Getting up early in the morning and feeling inspired to do so
2. Paying money for things which add value to my life and feeling joy.
3. Exercising regularly while feeling beautiful and fit.
4. Being free of obligation and expectations.
5. Being happy in any type of weather.
6. Being brave and smart in any situation.
7. Being excited about shopping.
8. Being free to say YES or NO to someone.
9. Being generous. Whenever I want to.
10. Feeling wealthy. No matter what.
11. Surprising myself.
12. Being free to be.

FEEL GOOD ALL THE TIME THEN GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU ALL THE TIME.

When it comes to money I don’t want to entertain the belief in the lack of it being important for my current experience anymore. Instead I want to entertain the belief that having money is exciting and the experience of spending it abundantly surrounded by beautiful objects and people is created in a flow.

This would be fucking awesome.

When you ask someone for their opinion, you already know which answer you want it to be.

And you pray.

So why not take precisely that answer and do accordingly?

Saves a lot of time praying.

FEELING IS EXPERIENCING BEING

Love is … when another person can be exactly themselves with you.

If you loved.

It’s nice being acknowledged by others for something you enjoy.

Meaning they enjoy it too so you can keep on enjoying yourself.

I feel Jones is super stressed about me meeting his ex and his children and his brother.

He mentioned a family post-Christmas thing and I picked him up on that earlier during our walk in the park.

He was clearly uneasy and said that he had discussed it and it was decided that I should not come because it was already a big thing that Jones is there.

So officially I am not invited.

Nice

And there is erm … Covid …

I am triggered.

What is the big deal?

Who is afraid here and of what?

That I will get along with the girls?

That I will get along with his ex-wife?

That I won’t get along with the girls?

That I won’t get along with ex-wife?

That I will get along with his brother?

That I won’t get along with his brother?

Does it matter?

Well fuck it.

I don’t have to do anything.

I don’t have to meet his brother.

I don’t have to meet his ex-wife or his girls.

I would love to meet them but I don’t have to.

And why am I triggered?

The question is

What am I afraid of?

Not being accepted?

Maybe. But then maybe not.

Text book insecurities.

Anyhow, why am I always trying to inspire Jones to connect more to his children?

Maybe I should just leave it as it is.

His girls are clearly happy and well taken care of.

If I make him connect more with his girls, he might sign up to more responsibilities and then we might get stuck and won’t be able to travel or live abroad.

Maybe.

Or maybe not.

Maybe I should just back off.

Then I don’t have to deal with anyone.

(But I will have to deal with Jones ❤️

The love of his children will make him a happier individual. And I want him to be happy.)

The fact is that I don’t have to do anything ACTIVELY.

I don’t have to actively seek contact with anyone.

It makes things chill for me.

No pressure for anyone else either.

And I don’t want contact to be filtered by insecurities.

I don’t have to prove anything.

It’ll come.

At the best possible time and in the best possible way.

FREE OF CHARGE

Doing stuff free of (from) charge.

Not charged.

Not charged with bullshit beliefs.

Instead relax and experience things open and freely and then decide how to charge them emotionally.

So much better.

However,

The Free From range in the supermarket usually tastes shit though.

Free From taste

Why does Free From in food usually means free from excitement? Free from nice experiences?

Does it really?

Why do we believe that being good means sacrificing something good?

Being in a relationship means sacrificing your own personal freedom?

Being slim means sacrificing indulgence?

Sacrificing freedom to eat whatever i want?

But is it true?

Does it work depriving ourselves of something we love in order to be better?

Quit pro quo?

Why not depriving ourselves of something we don’t love in order to be better?

Be and Feel are separate entities.

So I re-phrase: WHY NOT INSTEAD DEPRIVE OURSELVES OF SOMETHING WE DON’T LOVE IN ORDER TO FEEL BETTER? win win

The least attention you give to something, the less it becomes something.

Give attention to things you want to become something and genuinely ignore the things you don’t want to be any deal.

Make it no deal.

Deal or no deal

You can choose. Or not.

No big deal.

Nothing is.

🌟 I want to be young for a while and in warm weather.

🌟I want to have an identity, respect and a defined place in a world that is exclusive and exciting.