Theme: FREE FROM

11.02.2021

What does freedom mean to me?

• Doing exactly what I want, whenever I want to do it
• Being in love whenever and with whomever I want to be.
• Meeting people i want to meet, whenever I want to meet them
• Working from wherever I want to work, whenever I want to work
• Loving whoever I want to love, whenever I want to love
• Eating whatever I want to eat whenever I want to eat it
• Watching whatever I want to watch, whenever I want to watch it
• Wearing whatever I want to wear, whenever I want to wear it
• Believing whatever I want to believe, whenever I want to believe it
• Buying whatever I want to buy, whenever I want to buy it
• Being whoever I want to be l, whenever I want it to be

whatever, whenever

(“give up” my date said last night)

This is freedom for me.

And that’s what I want.

Not being dependent.

Independence

Does that mean I want to be by myself?

Mostly yes.

Would that make me happy?

Yes, if I am fully supported.

Supported to be free.

Without responsibility.

Does it take another being to support me?

To feel responsible for me?

No.

I met with E last night.

It was funny, he rang my doorbell and my elderly Greek landlord opened the door.

For a moment he though he’s been hoaxed into a date.

He thought it was hilarious.

We were joking later that he was actually disappointed when I showed up.

We had a walk around the neighbourhood and Beatrixpark and it was fun.

Like friends who have a lot in common.

He ended up staying over because of work in Amsterdam the next day and we discovered we both had been dating an addict.

He said that addicts have the need for partners, enablers, so they can indulge in their addiction.

To keep them safe.

To support them.

They cannot be without.

They cannot be alone.

Dependency.

That’s what I’m telling Jones. That he depends (on hisThat he needs to live alone in order to be truly independent.

Is that true for me as well?

Am I a freedom addict who prefers dependency?

Maybe.

I truly have never been alone.

I have always lived with someone.

For support I realise ..

Family (emotional and financial)

Friends (emotional and financial)

Husbands (emotional and financial)

Children again (emotional but not financial)

Lodgers (financial but not emotional)

Housemates (emotional and financial)

Emotional because it is fun to have someone around.

Financial because living with someone made me save money. Financial support.

Even my tenant back in the UK is a ‘house mate’. Who never pays any rent.

All three entities which mean emotional but not financial support (daughter, tenant and current ex-boyfriend) need to be released.

Fuck, that’s only half true.

Wow, fuck!

If I look at all of them, fuck, I was actually supporting THEM!

By providing a cheap roof over their heads because I never charged full value price.

Like my landlord does with me.

And all the while I thought I was the lucky one, saving money, however, I made THEM save or make money. Too.

And giving them emotional support.

Big time.

Fuck.

We supported each other.

So

I don’t owe them shit!

I don’t owe my family nothing.

I don’t owe my friends nothing.

I don’t owe my my exes nothing.

I don’t owe my daughter nothing. I paid all my dues.

I don’t owe my tenant nothing.

I don’t owe Jones nothing.

Because I have given them my all.

I’ve always felt indebted.

To everyone.

Grateful. For saving me money.

Staying in debt.

Gratefully indebted to them.

For enabling me.

But it was quite the opposite.

Debt is slavery.

And I have always been in debt for some reason. Also financially.

Enslaving myself voluntarily.

#blacklivesmatter

Fuck

Freedom means being out of debt and (financially) independent.

To do whatever I want to do. Whenever.

Does Jones feel indebted to me?

Is that why he doesn’t want to let go?

One simply cannot walk out of a mortgage!

One doesn’t simply walk out of an overdraft!

One doesn’t simply walk out away from a credit card bill?

Why not?

Because of fear.

We fear the consequences.

Without ever exploring the consequences.

By simply walking out of slavery.

And in order to prevent people from walking out of slavery, there are interests.

Which have the potential to pile up into a big fat T-Rex to rip you apart and chew on your entrails. Laughing.

If left to grow.

So basically, on a day to day basis I am feeding my perfectly cooked medium rare steak to baby dinosaurs snapping viciously at me.

Just swallowing.

Afraid to leave them alone.

Even for a day

Fuck.

If they are already like this when not hungry, what will they do when left, let’s say, for a month?

E pointed out that the noise of my heating pipes make at night are ridiculous.

I don’t hear it anymore.

Slavery to noise.

I ignore it.

To grow.

E told me about his experiences as a kid and the advise his dad gave him:

Nip things in the bud straight away

Deal with bullies instantly

Don’t let it escalate.

I want to be in the cloud.

And I believe my place of habitat is that.

A cloud.

Bright and airy and sunny.

Freedom

I also feel connected.

Grounded.

Like the tree outside my door.

Anchored.

I believe that tree and the cloud are opposites.

How can I be both?

So, I believe maybe I am a bird.

Being able to fly wherever I want.

Freedom

But I also can stay with a tree if I want.

Freedom. Of choice.

However, as a bird I need the tree.

I live and have my nest there.

Birds without trees would have no home.

The tree supports the bird.

The bird does not support the tree.

In my life I have always been a tree.

Believing that the bird supported me.

This is not true.

I have always looked for support in others.

Like a bird.

Looking for a tree.

For safety.

By choice.

Freedom to be supported.

Is that true freedom?

Are trees free?

No, they are rooted.

To one spot.

They cannot move.

Birds are not rooted.

The can fly.

But they choose a tree to come back to for support.

Only occasionally free while flying.

This is what I believe:

A tree is not free.

A bird is only partially free.

So what is true freedom?

Is it being a cloud?

Maybe.

It’s not attached to the ground.

It not only flies occasionally.

It flies all the time.

To wherever the wind blows.

It gathers.

And disappears.

According to the weather.

Being weather.

Do I want to be free like the clouds?

I don’t want to be and disappear.

I want to be.

Constantly.

Not changing to circumstance.

Not in need of support.

But being support.

That is my nature.

Not being bothered by what’s happening around me.

I WANT TO BE THE SUN.

Shining always.

Complete freedom.

Not bothered.

Whatever whenever.

I give up!

I want to be free to go to Ghana.

16th February to 16th March

It is important I go. I need to connect with my real dad.

I realised that all my wants and needs come from

ONE SOURCE:

The feeling of lack of APPRECIATION and WORTH

Appreciation being LOVE

And I believe this is directly linked to family (this is where traumas start)

1. MOTHER=LOVE
2. FATHER=WORTH
3. SUPPORT=(MOTHER=LOVE)equal to (FATHER=WORTH) .. in balance

This is the source which connects it all.

All the lacks I perceive are based on an imbalance, in my case of lack of worth represented with my real father not around.

Hence I have been making excuses.

For mysel.

For others.

Always.

Because I believed I needed their support.

In some way or other.

(See list above)

Does balance mean support?

Does the balance of love and worth means that you feel worthy of support_love?

And the perceived lack thereof that you are not worthy?

This could be important for individuals to be aware of, people who have lost their balance of self-love or self-worth through parents divorcing or passing away

What does true freedom mean?

Being exposed?

Without support?

No bra, no knickers and therefore

Naked?

True freedom for me is running around naked and not giving a shit.

Supported by

Self(worth)(love)

I shall start doing that in order to get the hang of it.

It’s scary.

This also means being visible on the dating app. I shall get Thing 1 to take some beautiful photos of me which I believe always visualise the real me!

Or it would be funny to use my photo booth twin picture …

As I said before, I like a surprise and to be surprised.

Also:

not being fully naked is sexier.

When the sun chooses not to shine, she makes oceans evaporate.

And shrouds herself in clouds.

Today I sat in with presentation pitches for second years graphics students at a new school.

I absolutely loved it.

It was so much fun.

The staff and principle were super nice and there is a lot of potential.

It felt very familiar.

My feedback was inspired.

This is what I’m good at.

Being inspired to inspire.

And I believe the students were really cool.

The new school has a lot of potential to be a client.

Don’t ask what you can do for the client.

Ask what the client can do for you.

And from there prepare your pitch.

Today I smoked my last Camel.

My stepfather used to smoke it.

I’m ready to let him go.

Thank you, Papi.

I love you too.

Premium is a reward, not a given.

And will only be unlocked with worth.

Always keep an surprise up your sleeve.

Wow, last night I learnt something extraordinary about the Dutch.

In case of decision making the following applies:

If they have to decide whether left or right, they get together, gezellig, argue both cases thoroughly and then all go home. Without having made any decision.

That’s that. They just let it go. I asked “and how will they know whether to go left or right?” They let it happen. And it does. Left or right, good or bad, hot or cold was not the question on the first place!

Fucking genius.

Clever people.

OMG

Jones is still in touch.

I will use the “You can do better” mantra on him.

With every pitch he presents to me, I shall feed this line back.

No explanation of How?

He has to ask How himself

LIFE HACK: If you want someone to do something for you, start a text message with “Hi, (name), could you do me a huge favour?”

And leaving it like that.

When they finally reply, they will be so relieved how small your request is compared to what they envisioned, that they will gladly do what you asked for.

PSYCHOLOGY OF THE SEX

E and I were sitting on my bed, chatting and eating oranges. Remember what I said yesterday that I felt a #metoo scenario happening? Anyway, we were eating and he fed me a piece and with it put his two fingers into my mouth. I thought that was a sexy gesture and we sort of did a play fight and I bent over to kiss him while pushing orange flesh between his lips.

We kissed.

And it was the weirdest thing.

I thought it was a smooth transition but he totally got spooked.

And was almost offended.

I literally felt like a big fat sweaty Film Executive who just made inappropriate clumsy advances on an underage starlet.

So awkward.

And the curious thing …

He told me that apparently he comes across as arrogant and authoritarian and girls he matches with want to be dominated by him.

And with me he behaves like a little shy girl.

Which he is and women are the predators in this case.

Only demanding sex from him. Apparently.

And on the other hand he was really pushy the first chat for me to expose myself.

Here he was the sweaty swengali.

Fascinating.

He is looks like a younger mature version of Donald Sutherland.

Gorgeous hair.

LIFE HACK

When you want to say something but are afraid of a certain reaction, then simply write it down and say it out loud. Then you said it. Afterwards you can allow yourself to let go of any anger or frustration or fear because it’s done. Now imagine how it would feel if you had had the response you wished for.

PSYCHOLOGY

NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP

Narcissists set the scene and act the perfect relationship how they see it.

They treat the other how they themselves envision to be treated. In that perfect relationship they want and need.

But instead of getting treated like they need to, their partners become completely overwhelmed by the attention rendering them immobile, because the Narcissist gives so much.

The narcissist then get more and more frustrated with the victim who in turn keeps on holding on to the good times and therefore willingly ignore the torture they are subjected to by the narcissist. Becoming more and more pathetic.

Downward spiral.

Bully to victim to bully. To victim

The victim feeling more and more deprived of the initial love they got.

The bully feeling more and more deprived of the potential love.

Question: Why, despite being so desperately disappointed with their partners, do none of them leave. The victim’s excuse is that they were taken hostage, however, by going back, bully is kept hostage by the victim by threatening to leave.

Remedy:

Shower the narcissist with real love and affection. Like they did for you.

No matter their behaviour.

See them as the victim and show empathy as much as you want them to see the victim in you and showing empathy.

I believe there are narcissistic tendencies in Jones.

I put up with so much shit from him.

By choice.

He is actually quite charming.

But whenever he indulged in his addiction, he would insult me in texts

When he was clear, he was the perfect boyfriend.

He did and said all the right things.

(I mentioned that earlier in my diary)

I realise that this could’ve been the beginning of a narcissistic relationship.

Luckily I am not in need of him.

Narcissists strip someone down to the core, frantically and desperately searching for the love potential they saw when they first met the person.

Getting more and more ferocious as they go along.

Narcissists want to be loved no matter what they do.

Their greatest fear is abandonment. That’s why they get all sweet again when the partner is ready to leave them.

Alcohol was the trigger for narcissistic tendencies being revealed in Jones.

I noticed that I used to give all in relationships.

Creating perfection for me and my partner

By being the perfect partner

But after some time I got disappointed for lack of getting perfection back.

I would get critical and more critical until I had no respect for them anymore.

Then I would leave.

My own narcissistic tendencies?

I never was unkind or abusive. Ever.

I saw great potential.

But I don’t see it anymore at some point.

I did’t empty Jones, he was already empty.

I filled him up. For a while.

Crying for a narcissist is the worse sign of weakness.

They have no empathy for that.

Almost like a strict matron being disgusted with and torturing a bedwetter.

I wonder if bed wetting and crying is psychologically connected?

Narcissistic individuals keep people hostage because they are desperately in need of them.

And the vicim agrees to service that very same need.

By never leaving …

Both bully and victim attract each other.

Both being in need of each other.

Co-dependent slavery

Victims relinquishing their persona in the need to be loved.

Both victim and psychopath see the love potential in each other.

But when together in a relationship, one over performs and the other underperforms. And this goes both ways.

By default.

I will never go back.

Because I don’t want to be isolated.

By moving in with him.

Jones has no friends.

Big fucking red flag

I want to escape.

Into the sun.