Theme: EXPANDED VISION
09.03.2021
Today is exactly a week since my departure to Ghana … and I’m still in Amsterdam.
My vision completely imploded.
I thought I could wing it.
Challenge the system.
I was so sure of it that I can simply jump without a parachute.
To bullshit my way to Ghana.
It was fun but didn’t work.
It was a game and I was sure I’ll win it.
But I lost this one.
For now.
The last few weeks I was completely running on no food and Adrenalin. The high of knowing exactly what I wanted, the idea of freedom in my head made me invincible.
Every step I took was geared towards the one vision to leave everything behind.
I was driven.
It was an incredible feeling.
I had a vision.
I saw the way.
And it was the only way.
One way.
And the sun was shining.
Cutting off all my ties was planned with Germanic precision.
While being reckless.
It was an exhilarating juxtaposition which released an energy I have never felt before.
On the day of my planned(flight) I managed to tidily cancel both my Dutch bank accounts in a swoop of genius covering any outstanding money I had accumulated in account fees on one even without ever having used it for even one transaction.
It was amazing how everything just fell into places.
Obstacles disappeared when I showed up.
I felt like Moses.
On the way to the airport I even managed to put my last Spa bottle into then machine at the supermarket and retrieve 25cent in a coupon which I gave to my friend.
This was how detailverliebt I was in the whole process.
I was writing a great story.
While picking up my Malaria tablets in Boots.
It was all planned.
And running like clockwork.
And at the airport everything grounded to a halt.
No valid Covid test.
And no visa.
I know this looks nuts from the outside but I was so sure I can wing it.
The clockwork.
I’m sure I read somewhere that a visa can be sorted out the other end.
Maybe it was my wishful thinking.
And I gave quite a performance.
And I never bullshit. Ever.
I usually always do things by the book. Like a good German girl I always follow the rules.
But that day I just went for it.
And loved it.
“Oh, but I’m sure I printed out the form … it must be somewhere.”
I can only imagine what it must looked like.
The people in the cue behind me probably rolled their eyes.
The employees at the KLM desk also were very patient.
But I was strangely tickled by the whole thing.
By being random.
And not embarrassed one bit.
Although it meant that I couldn’t fly.
I still felt freedom.
Freedom from embarrassment.
And then the system had me back.
I had to change my flight from one way to return.
I had to apply for a visa.
And do another Covid test although I am sure the two I have done within the last 5 days were sufficient.
“But no ma’m, the PCR test is different …”
Total obvious bullshit.
Just another name.
I was back in the fold.
I felt like a runaway kid who has been retrieved.
And then I cracked.
The adrenaline just made me completely lose it.
Sitting on the edge of an airport seat with my face mask around my chin, having Dutch coffee and a stroopwafel.
I sobbed.
Did you know that Starbucks do slow Dutch coffee?
It’s so good.
And you drink it black.
I continued crying and eating and sipping and being a mess.
I haven’t cried like that since I was a kid.
With snot running and mixing with my stroopwafel.
Made it salted caramel.
It was glorious.
So completely out of character that’s what O said.
And I wasn’t sorry.
That’s not what the tears were about.
I guess it was the release.
And it might’ve been the emotional break I needed to mentally end my relationship with Jones.
I hadn’t cried about that at all.
Didn’t think I needed it.
But my flight to Africa was obviously the physical manifestation of it.
That’s what I do.
Break everything down and jump countries with just a small suitcase when getting out of a relationship.
And although it’s always me who breaks it off, I still feel the need to create physical distance.
So now walking back into my old neighbourhood to open up a new Dutch bank account was strange.
This was not supposed to happen.
The guys at the ING who kindly closed it just a few hours ago were thoroughly entertained.
And the following days I crashed.
This was probably the closest I’ve ever felt to what is commonly known as a depression.
I felt like a fucking loser.
I had no money because I had to buy a new ticket.
I had no clothes because I had sold everything since I figured I could just get everything I needed there. In the sun.
And it was cold in Amsterdam.
And everyone asked what happened.
I talked and talked and talked.
Defending my vision.
My friends were concerned but also made me feel guilty about being what looked like non-caring.
But by jumping out of a plane without a parachute I deeply cared.
About my own happiness.
About my own needs.
How would that impact anybody else?
True, in that moment I didn’t give a F88k about anybody else’s needs for my person.
Why would I?
But I get their point of view.
They care.
And it is nice to be cared for.
And I’m still going to Ghana.
And I am still applying for a passport there.
And I still might not come back after 3 months.
Because that’s the plan now.
So the following days were filled with admin to literally reconstruct the bridges I had burned.
It was devastating.
I also had to go to the Ghanaian Embassy in The Hague twice.
Their interiors need a serious make over.
The first time I went not all of my documents were uploaded during the online application.
Tip 1: if you are applying for a visa make sure you bring a laptop so you can send all the documents via email again there and then if needed. I couldn’t so I had to come back.
Tip 2: when I returned the day after and had to pay the fee, they would not my accept my Visa card, only Maestro.
Who the F88k used Maestro? Luckily there was a British tattooed guy waiting who kindly paid for me and I was able to give him cash. So lucky.
He was cool, Mark, travelling to Ghana to build a rubbish recycling plant.
Sorting out the visa and everything else, like re-registering in The Netherlands, took all my headspace because when I had nothing to do, my head was going wild with the mantra “This is all wrong. This was not meant to happen!”
My head was
Last Sunday was literally an unprecedented low point in my life.
Just ate loads of comfort food provided by A and watched movies.
With a No Future feeling in my guts.
The accumulation of a week feeling lost, confused and sick.
I didn’t know what to do.
As a loser.
The way I had so clearly seen, was gone. And was in the dark.
Not knowing where to turn next.
And the worry about my finances crippling me.
I had forgotten what worry like that felt like.
Interesting.
All my worries were connected to the UK.
It’s a country of worries it feels.
Worry drama.
Maybe that’s why I had to leave.
Yesterday (Monday) morning things finally switched. I woke up early and watched this old black and white movie called “The Pattern” about the fine line between ambition and empathy. Be liked and go nowhere or be respected (not liked all the time and a little feared) and move mountains.
And after that I felt better.
Not entirely sure if it was the movie but
my head was back on track.
The cogs started moving again, linking into each other.
Things are shifting.
I made a written plan about how to sort out my finances, just wrote everything down and realised that with a bit of graft and fine tuning I can juggle things. Then I followed a suggestion from A to contact his house mate and got the phone number of a woman who is working on a cool clothes recycling project in Accra!
Whoah.
Serendipity is back.
She’s still in Amsterdam.
And we’re meeting in two days for a chat.
Fortuitous.
Because the financial plan I drew up stated that I need to do a bit of work out there and be paid some cash to be sustainable.
Because I cannot be in Ghana and just sit around being fed.
For three months.
Not sustainable.
I wanna be able to sustain myself on the beach.
Yesterday, I also managed to retrieve some of my clothes from the girl I sold them. She hadn’t even unpacked them yet.
Also very fortuitous.
So I’m warm now.
It feels good to be back.
Not in Amsterdam but in my Vision.
And it just expanded.
Last week I gambled. All or nothing.
And I lost.
But I learnt some important gambling rules along the way.
So I’m still winning.
