TINDER DATE LIKE YOU MEAN IT …

A different perspective on platform dating

LOVERS

What am I gonna do with Rob? I need to speak to him freely. That I really can’t. I want to be honest with him. At the moment, presumptions are floating unsaid in the air. Nothing has been discussed. I would love to see him but it can only be on a friend basis for now. Maybe it can be more again at some point. If you have been lovers with someone, can you ever be anything else other than that? Why can I only have one lover? Aren’t our life’s loves for life? And does being lovers mean you have to fuck? Maybe I can redefine the term LOVERS

What is dating? Am I dating Jones?

I had an afternoon with Wifie yesterday. She is one of the loves of my life too.

I am the luckiest girl, truly :

I have a beautiful Ukrainian goddess wife and an awesome a-muse-man, a sexy man I can be a muse to. And there is my wonderful universe connection with Roberto, my connection to nature and animals, one I have profound insights with.

What was that with monogamy? Wifie and I promised each other that we will never cheat on each other with another woman.

Or otherwise we will talk about it. Lol

FUCKED

My gorgeous friend Sarah gave me a book which is awesome. Very inspired writing. I took it to wife and we read some of it together. So cute with her Russian accent.

There was a section about monogamy. That it is natural to desire others and the key to happiness is to not deny that to oneself. Could I see myself in a loving relationship with Jones and him fucking other women and me fucking other men? Well, I’m not sure when I write it like that. I would like that but on the premise that it would not be to just fuck someone random but having a conscious sexual encounter. To grow and learn and bring that learning to the table. I can really imagine that.

True, I probably wouldn’t want to know details but as I mentioned before, we overlay projections so I am sometimes imagining Jones to be someone else anyway when he makes love to me. Sometimes when he was still a mess, it would be the only way. It’s exciting. Gary Oldman is my favourite to imagine. It’s hot.

IMAGINARY SEX

Ha, so maybe it’s all about the imagination instead of the actual physical sexual encounter. Maybe we just want to be with someone else because we want to be someone else. And being with someone else means we give ourselves permission to be someone else. Or the same with someone else. But if we just imagine ourselves to be with someone else or to be someone else with the one we are with, there is no need for sexual encounters of the someone else kind, right?

It is all in our head. Because we imagine it all. And the encounter we have with someone else is usually less than we imagined. So usually a disappointment. And then it is easy to come back to the one you love. But is it growth? Couldn’t one have done without?

The fantasy and anticipation of being (with) someone else is usually the most fun. The chase. The flirting. I love that part. And I remember Jones and I said at the beginning that it would be so much fun to give each other the freedom to flirt but then to always end up in bed with each other. I love that too.

This is what I want.

GUYS WATCHING

One cannot help but look. It is a reflex. The eyes wander. And it is supposed to be like that. We are always on the proverbial hunt. For procreation.

I noticed when couples walk towards me. And the guys are not looking. It’s funny because they already reflex looked, made an assessment if it was worth risking to look again some more next to their girlfriend and decided it wasn’t worth the hassle later on. So they deliberately look away. This is funny. So actually, the guys which visibly ignore me actually fancy me but have trained themselves very well.

Because the reflex cannot be trained. So a coping strategy is in place.

It is easy to look the opposite sex in the eye if you have absolutely no physical attraction to them. Or if you think you have absolutely no chance with them. So guys who look at me actually either think that I am out of their leagues or they are out of mine. But even if there is the slightest visual interest, they have to be strategic about it.

Why do we get jealous when our guy looks at beautiful girls? We should be pleased. It means that he appreciates beauty and has good taste because he is with us. Jealousy makes us ugly. And then we are surprised if he leaves us and we go “oh he was a jerk, always looking at other girls …” which is unfair because he appreciated beauty and we made ourselves ugly by being consumed with jealousy.

There you have it.

The beauty of other girls was never our enemy. Our ugliness was.

I miss Tinder. The exchange of male and female energies. The chatting. The first kiss.

I’m shall make every kiss a first kiss. With Jones.

FUCK ME, OLD PEOPLE

What is the matter with old people? Why do they have to make such an effort to assert themselves over every fucking little thing?

God, having much time on your hand means you can indulge in drama …

When you are older does not mean you are wiser it seems. Or just wiser about certain things and more hung up on others. Obviously priorities change but wtf, why do you have to become so fucking grumpy?

I SHALL NOT

George my landlord is bored. Besides only being concerned with what to eat next (which by the way he isn’t really concerned about because his wife is sorting that out … day by day, besides that, he only concerns himself with our concerns … so he makes up all these rules in order to engage …

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Besides rules concerning the house, there is nothing really to talk about. His days are boring and repetitive and nothing ever happens. So small talk is not possible. And when, after he has engaged via his silly and unnecessary rules, when the other party of engagement is already pissed off and on the edge, what else is there to talk about? Everyone just wants to get away. And when he then tries to start a proper conversation by asking personal questions which are none of his business but it being an attempt to be delivered from pensioners limbo. Ha, and he swiftly throws in a complaint about our deliveries.

It is impossible.

How can one stay out of an old head? To become outdated? By doing cross word puzzles? By watching interesting programmes?

Is it a physical thing?

Is it surrendering to becoming mentally disabled?

When does it start? In your 40s? 50s?

What is the resistance to learn new stuff? To stay updated?

WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO LOOK AHEAD INSTEAD OF STAYING IN THE PAST?

Is it the inability to look ahead?

That should be ok because we are supposed to be in the moment anyway. Being older means you don’t necessarily have to chase the big money anymore, or the house or finding a partner to raise children with … so now is the time to be in the moment, right? It does not take extraordinary mental agility to do just that.

Jones’s mother is stressing out at the moment, constantly. She is grumpy, not only with me but with everyone. A lot of the time.

Something changed since Jones is back from detox. Now she has no reason anymore to hide from the fact that she is selling her house and has to move and find a new place. Of course it is stressful, especially because at a certain age, and the thought fills her with dread. I totally get it.

So obviously everything about the whole story is painful.

And she refuses help. She is stubborn like that. Every positive input is viewed as a thorn and there is the refusal to see anything positive in the whole thing … that she will be able to have a garden for the cat, a smaller space which is cheaper to run, debt free, she will be able to make new friends in the neighbourhood, her whole life could be very different … which must be a daunting prospect.

Things she says change from day to day according to which mood she is in or if she is worried. So the facts are variable.

The worry about Jones’s health kept her going and avoiding the unpleasant task ahead. But now he is completely fine, there is nothing to deflect anymore. And me being there just reminds her of that. So I keep away a bit. Sometimes it feels like a scramble egg factory with eggshells everywhere …

Shame because she is a lovely girl, we used to have so much fun. When it was us as a team looking out for the wellbeing of Jonesie.

But now that is taken away, she is stressy and grumpy. Bless her. I get it. But things could be much more pleasant. Because she is playful deep down. But worries. That is the worse. I guess one worries, no matter the age.

Dating …

I was thinking about how I miss the flirting and the chase a bit but thinking back at all the guys I had to go through kissing, some of them frogs which turned to princes, and I ended up with 4 beautiful ones … and a soulmate …

The value is definitely in the journey and not the projected outcome. The wisdom and confidence you build up kissing frogs is infinitely more valuable than the potential prince in the end.

But then is that true? It is always easy to say “money isn’t everything” when you got a fucking villa on the Côte d’Azur … so fuck off …

The key about a journey is that you also have pit stops to rest and enjoy the view. Nobody just wants to be on the move all the time. Resting and appreciating where you are and inhabiting that space is important. Super important. So having the moment of the luxury villa is like sticking a flag into what then becomes base camp. On the way up to a summit.

Not having base camps most likely means not being able to reach the summit because you’d be too exhausted stretching your abilities.

Having a nap on laurels is fragrant I’m certain of it, but having the box spring with memory foam mattress in the long run is the bomb.

Especially when you’re getting on.

OMG, and when the guy genuinely doesn’t look at you, then he is her gay best friend.

It must also be torture for a guy walking towards a woman with an hourglass figure and not being able to turn around to have a look at her booty walk … hellish! Haha, I shall remember that.

People basically wanna look at people. Nature, cities everything else is just a distraction.

What does it feel like to have my teeth?

Like white grey bitter crystals

What does it feel to have my tongue?

Rough red spreading brick

What does it feel to my my ears?

Furry grey

What does it feel to have my head?

Stalagmite cold spikes green moss on the back

What does it feel like having my arms?

Blue and dark purple and spikey

What does it feel like having my arse?

Velvety spikes

Tonight, I feel empty and heavy and tired. Not sure why that is. I want to be in the sun. I think I will function so much better there. Went to the Embassy of the Free Mind. Such a wonderful place. A serene atmosphere. There are a few books I should read there. Spend a day there once. Just read.

About alchemy.

I can make that place one of my base camps.

I think I need more human interaction. The rush of new energy.

Fucking Lockdown Shit. I got places to go, man!