Theme: AT HOME WITH CHOICE
24.02.2021
When we let someone else choose for us what/who are we indulging?
Them. Their choice.
And our choice to choose.
By relinquishing our choice to them the choice is always ours first.
So what now?
It seems I’ll be leaving soon for Ghana. It seems the right thing to do. Anyway, from the 15th March I won’t have a ‘home’ in Amsterdam anymore, however, Amsterdam will always be my home. My spiritual home. I feel strongly about it. I promised to always get a return ticket. If invited back.
But what if I don’t make the jump in time?
I am in limbo, waiting for instructions.
My premise is to be invited.
And completely covered.
Time is of the essence it seems and there seems so much still to do.
Yellow fever shot
Covid testing
A ticket
Visa application
Getting all my things sold.
And only what feels like 10 days to go.
For some reason I feel this is all formality and I don’t feel like doing any of this stuff. Instead I’m watching films, writing, getting inspired and go for walks to what seems like tying up lose ends with friends. And being fed.
It’s fascinating. Old lovers and acquaintances are popping up, seeking contact. And we meet and chat and exchange. And I’m having more realisations. And it’s fun.
And Spring.
Are these my real travel preparations? The ones which are necessary? Am I not procrastinating but right on track?
Are all the things I’m ‘supposed to do’ just a front?
It somewhat feels like it.
From the outside it looks like massive procrastination but I have learnt in the last few years that ‘proc’ is my friend.
A friend, when I always thought it was my foe. Which it was.
Procrastination is like a brain virus. Nobody is immune to it and it is estimated that all of the global population has suffered from it at least once in their lifetime. Certain demographics, like artists for example, are particularly vulnerable to infection. Once they’ve been infected, they are most likely to suffer from it regularly. There are some tried and tested remedies available over the counter but especially for this part of the human population it seems the virus mutates with intelligent accuracy. Into its host. Clinical testing is still in its infancy because we still cannot pinpoint the source of the infection. The dis-ease itself hasn’t been sufficiently diagnosed either until recently because it doesn’t affect the body but the mind of the victim and therefore went under the category of Mental Body Health which has been greatly underestimated and underfunded as you know, Ladies and Gentlemen.
The symptoms are always the same. The afflicted experiences strong shifts of focus during pressure to accomplish a certain task with clear steps and a logical goal ahead. This is the point where the internal struggle sets in rendering the victim powerless. And the dis-ease starts. Their mind is clearly aware of the process but the ability to focus into the presumed direction is gone. Procrastinators have compared it to the scientific phenomenon of the Magnetic Repelling Force: when trying to bring together two magnet sides with the same value (north and north ends or south and south ends), and no amount of effort will be able to reconcile those two force fields. Meanwhile the struggle of trying impacts and greatly weakens the physical as well as the mental state of the victims. The only way to alleviate the pain is to let it overcome you and follow the mental focus where it leads. Without judgement. To simply turn around the magnet.
Procrastination has been largely condemned by society because it was misdiagnosed as laziness which was an anti-social stigma at the time of immense industrial and technological advancement and intense work culture, called ‘the rat race’ although I never accepted this term as accurate because rats are intelligent creatures.
However, there have been consistent previously discarded reports about feelings of pleasure and ultimate accomplishment once the victim surrenders to the virus which I believe needs to be further investigated, suggesting that what we previously perceived as a deterioration of mental and physical capacity, a disability, is actually quite the opposite. I propose here today before you, the esteemed members of the Global Board of Wellbeing, that we focus on abolishing the social stigma of procrastination with education and support for the so called victims and harness the power which lies in both, the attracting as well as repelling forcefields.
On p. 23 of my report you will find a comprehensive illustration of my capital gains projection for this new type of energy resource and you have to admit the figures look impressive.
Any questions?
I have to admit that in my relationship with Jones I found the prospect of being monogamous hard. Not in a sexual way because we had a lot of sex, but in a mental way. I felt the lack of male energy and the idea of being with him and not being able to meet with other men was terrifying me. But now being single and free I have absolutely no appetite for male energy. I thought I had but I feel neutral to it.
Curious.
I don’t seem to NEED it anymore and yesterday when I saw M and he was pushing that way I was almost repelled. Which is strange because he is a great kisser and we always had a lot if fun in bed. I thought. But I have cracked my need for it. Now all I want is adventure. To be where I am wanted. But not needed or where I feel a need to go or be.
Free of Need.
Ha, however, need still seeps in occasionally when I fall back into my old controlling habits and worries about how to fix things.
Old habits die hard.
Like old dogs?
No, that was new tricks.
I’m up for new tricks.
And a fast learner.
Show me.
Fast.
If I don’t want to pay for anything, does that make me a poor person or a rich person?
Depends on your point of view.
Do i want to be/feel rich or poor?
Always rich!
That’s settled then.
Have you ever noticed that people flying business class are completely normal?
I watched this post of a couple who treated themselves to a trip to Thailand flying business class. God knows what they paid. And they made a comment that struck me: everyone there except them were thinking nothing of it. Flying business. And they were completely normal people. The couple looked the odd ones there.
Curious.
The couple stood out from the crowd, the frequent business travellers you wouldn’t have spotted in a crowd.
They were invisible.
I love it.
I shall.
Not think anything of it.
PINTEREST has become extraordinary. As I said the other day, I merged all my boards into one. And also was inspired to change the name of the board to Jones. To see what happens.
There are still FOR YOU suggestions which I scrolled around in earlier and found some fun craft bits to do with paper origami … I had absolutely no idea that paper can move like that.
So I saved them (on my one board called Jones) and continued to hide all the adds under “this is not a language I understand”.
And then I went on the JONES suggestions and it was fascinating what came up. A lot of cutesy pictures of animals which I completely used to ban from my previously perfectly curated Freya von Bulow boards.
Ugh ..Cute pics but also only pathetic people post pet stuff on the net. I thought.
But since I want to be honest, and I do love the tiger with the little piglets wearing tiger outfits sleeping on it’s tummy. The love of animals is just simply adorable and irresistable. OMG, the pet snake with the little knitted beanie … how cute is that?
But I would previously never add them to any of my boards.
Now I do.
Because I only have one board and everything will have to go in there.
Although it makes me slightly cringe.
But also laugh.
It’s kinda fun.
No editing.
See what happens.
I really like this new attitude of mine.
See what happens.
It feels comfortable.
At home.
