Theme: 2B
8.12.2020
How do I lift my arm?
How do I walk downstairs?
How do I breathe?
No philosophy necessary
No religion necessary
No thought structure necessary
Why the fuck am I overthinking everything?
What if I overthought breathing?
I would probably not live very happily …
TO DO
TO BE
TO CAN
Happiness comes instantly when you remember that you can. Do I remember I can breathe? Am I overthinking happiness?
2–5 secs is all it takes to be aware ..
Awareness is not thinking. That is where we go wrong. We think we have to be aware. Awareness, the big hype.
Is being aware of my own breath hyperventilation?
Simply choose
Rest in it
Experience it
Just be it
But that doesn’t mean that we are in nothing. We think we only are when we think.
There is challenge in everything
Paradox is great
Challenges are generated for learning
Use it to propel yourself
Don’t ask permission
Nobody gives a shit anyway
Someone else experiences love
But they don’t really love you
They experience love for themselves and
you are just holding that space for them.
How wonderful!
Nobody really cares about you.
Because all is just their experience.
We don’t affect each other
We just generate new experiences and feelings using each other
Everything is a choice, we choose how to react to these experiences
EXPERIENCES
I have never experienced touching a glass.
I have only ever experienced an experience generated by my consciousness on how it might feel to touch a glass. How touching a glass is a completely unique experience, unique for me.
It’s an illusion.
Ever tried to explain to someone what touching a glass feels like to you?
I have never experienced love.
I have only ever experienced an experience generated by my consciousness on how love might feel.
I have never experienced sadness.
I have only ever experienced an experience generated by my consciousness on how sadness might feel.
I have never experienced rain.
I have only ever experienced an experience generated by my consciousness on how rain might feel.
I have never experienced sex.
I have only ever experienced an experience generated by my consciousness on how sex might feel.
I have never experienced lack.
I have only ever experienced an experience generated by my consciousness on how lack might feel. In all its facets.
Lack is NO THING.
It is only a generated experience in order to feel.
NO THING can feel.
Only the experience of it can.
If I choose to.
Always choose to feel
FREE
HAPPY
Lack can feel happy. If I choose.
The closer you look the less you see.
Dream occupation:
I want to watch movies for a living and get paid vast amounts of money for it.
With my movie background, I am perfectly qualified to do so and being paid.
Stark Narrative
Who are they?
My new job? Would be fun.
MONEY CHALLENGE BELIEFS
here we go again ….
Why is it that every time I get paid I have bills? I am sick of always living on the edge. And yet, I guess it’s cool that because I am paid I can settle these bills.
I wonder what comes first? Chicken or egg? MONEY OR BILLS?
Shall I feel scared because the minute I get ahead with the money thing, I literally start haemorrhaging it?
Or shall I feel ecstatic because I am able to easily cover my expenses when they arise exactly because the money is there?
Money is for spending, correct?
I’d rather feel ecstatic, thank you … is that the money lesson I need to learn in order to flow? Is my money lack belief so deep that again and again and again I need to learn these lessons?
Are they hard lesson? Are they fun lessons? What do money lessons feel like?
I guess they are not hard. But again and again I am triggered … I don’t want this anymore. I’m fed up with it.
Why do I believe I need these lessons? And am I actually learning? And what am I learning?
I AM DONE WITH THE MONEY LESSONS!
I just want it to be there. To be enjoyed.
How do I enjoy the money I have?
Is is not only my belief that I have a problem with money?
I am money bipolar.
I constantly feel I don’t have enough but I also feel I don’t need much.
I can survive with little. I have resources where I live well with little.
I have access to resources which suit my current money flow. Which are they?
- Aktion
- Aldi
- Waterlooplein Market
- Primark
- Albert Heijn
- FlixBus
- EasyJet
- A room
- A bike
- Friends who are happy to feed me
Things I don’t do (because I want to) and therefore money is not required
- I don’t smoke
- I don’t drink a lot of alcohol
- I don’t take drugs
- I don’t take cabs (same thing?)
- I don’t buy expensive clothes
I don’t splurge out on things. Everything I consider luxury or out of my budget I leave or consider a zillion times before buying it.
So what would I do differently if I had more money? Not much. I love my life.
However, there is something I feel is fundamentally wrong, otherwise this shit would not come up all the time … so what is it?
I WANT RO FEEL SAFE!!!
By having nice little safety cushions to feel I have choices.
I WANT CHOICES.
The way I live now I don’t feel safe. I feel I can’t quit my job because then I’ll be fucked. My safety completely depends on somebody else’s whim.
I want my safety to depend on my own whim!!! I want to make choices and these choices having no influence on my feeling safe.
Because I don’t FEEL safe does it mean I AM not safe? Is it only my belief?
Probably.
So why do I belief that? Why do I belief I need to believe that? How can I believe differently?
I guess it might be good to assess where this shit belief comes from … (these are not excuses but notable hang ups):
ALWAYS JUST ENOUGH
I was brought up by a single mum … always JUST ENOUGH money but never more than
Married to a musician … always JUST ENOUGH money but never more than
Being a Single mum … always JUST ENOUGH money but never more than
Being a Student … always JUST ENOUGH money but never more than
Being self-employed … always JUST ENOUGH money but never more than
Being Employed … always JUST ENOUGH money but never more than
Basically all my money resources have always been JUST ENOUGH but never overflowing, never more, never comfortable
AND HENCE I ALWAYS FEEL UNSAFE
The truth is that I don’t NEED more money at the moment to survive. But ..
I want more than just survive!
Surviving means that just the slightest imbalance, i.e. an unexpected bill, and I am fucked.
What would make me feel save and comfortable?
I WANT
- To feel comfortable in the knowledge I can pay for anything that I want to or which is needed to be paid … and more
What would that be?
KNOWING THAT I CAN
🌟 book spontaneous flights to go and see friends instead of FlixBus
🌟 getting new frames for my glasses instead of having to wear my old wonky ones or even better getting laser eye surgery to enjoy 20/20 vision … and much more
🌟 buying new cool Converse or Dr Martens instead of walking in shoes I’ve head since before I moved to Amsterdam .. and much more
🌟paying rent and all bills comfortably to a really wonderful apartment instead of renting only a room … and much more
🌟treating my daughter and enabling her to feel free in her choices … and much more
🌟eating well and out often .. and much more
🌟taking cabs well and often and wherever I like … and more
🌟buying real jewellery … and much more
🌟and silly stuff like a Nespresso machine and a lifetime supply of fancy coffee … and much more
I WANT ENOUGH … AND MUCH MORE
I WANT SPARE 💰
I want to feel FREE instead of trapped
Why is that so complicated?
Because I am taking the cue from circumstances.
But if I look at my life, I am almost there …
My life is exactly how I have created it and I feel I am almost there… which is kinda exciting.. KNOWING THAT IT IS COMING!
When I am honest there is not a lot of stuff I want to buy, in fact I walk around Kalverstraat with contempt at all the bullshit which is sold.
There are only a few things I really really want.
Peace of mind
So I should just stop the fuck overthinking
I think
… and maybe I just haven’t learnt to spend money in a fun way and that is the reason why it is eluding me a bit.
Am I a JUST ENOUGH MONEY SPENDER?
