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16.12.2020

I love my daughter. She is talented and responsible and beautiful and fun.

And a bit lost at 23.

I wish I could help her more but I’m lost myself at times.

How can I be helpful.

And everything I feel I can tell her is not tangible. Because that is where I’m at myself.

I believe she is stuck in the UK worrying about money.

I’ve been there before and I feel her.

I believe she had a cool job where she was learning a lot but was trapped in a bubble. During her studies she got a massive study loan to be able to afford living in London. A dangerous bubble. And she had a part time job. But when she graduated she couldn’t stay in London anymore and moved back to the South Coast and was juggling both, working independently trying to find her post-grad feet as well as commuting to her old job in London which was savage. I know she was unhappy. And broke on both money and time. That’s the worse.

And I feel powerless. No, THAT’S the worse.

I feel I haven’t been a good role model in terms of having a well paid job. She has no idea what kind of salary is normal, what people are getting paid. All I have ever showed her was to work in creative projects on no money. This is all she knows. And where she lives is one of the poorest but creative parts of the UK South Coast with absolutely no job prospects for youngsters. And London is hardly affordable. Well, that is a lie. It is when you get paid well. But as I said, it is hard to imagine the kinda money that is accessible there. My perception of money availability has drastically changed since I moved to Amsterdam. I am working on the claiming part now. Took a long time to get unstuck.

I know how important it is to find something to do which you love. But it seems like some of the hardest things to relax into and trust when bills are strangling you. I never worked in London. So the thought of it scares me. And I believe I have transferred that fear over to her. And her dad has been a struggling musician living in London all his life so that is also what she perceive. Major looser role models.

I moved from a paid job in the record business to London and became a mum. Mind you I wasn’t a high flyer but I did ok. That’s a lie too because I was always overdrawn from the moment I had my Hamburg apartment. Round about L’s age. Crazy thinking about it. Payment at the end of the month would always just put my bank balance back to ZERO.

And there was nothing I thought I could do. I did not know how to get out of it.

FEELING POWERLESS

This is my worse fear. And with my daughter I feel it extremely. Powerless to help her.

We have always been so close. She is a single child, her dad and I always loved each other very much. For a long time too. When L was little we had to move to her dad’s mum for 2 years which was both lovely and a huge challenge because we lived in a small 2 bed apartment with three adults, one toddler and 11 more or less sick cats. We were traumatised but lived in a posh part of town, there was a lot of love and it also opened up opportunities for us. Her dad had a good run of work and we managed to safe enough get onto the property ladder. We bought on the coast and upgraded to a house in one of the most desired streets in Hastings within two years. Amazing.

OMG, there is a pattern …

In Hamburg I lived

Bismarckstrasse, Eppendorf — posh

In London we lived

Highbury Park, Islington — posh

Wroughton Rd, Clapham South -posh

In Hastings we lived

Cumberland Gardens -posh

St. James’s Rd -posh

In Amsterdam I live

Beethovenstraat — super posh

I just realised that there has always been the glamour … a glimpse of wealth. The base was always there .. the desire to be wealthy. And somehow I made the base happen but my lack belief stifles the full bloom somewhat.

I remember Clapham being so posh that when I took my daughter out to the playground, people thought I was the nanny.

Maybe that’s all I am … a nanny and not a parent. A nanny who looks after children. But parents are the moral and financial backbone. And I feel I have never been that to my daughter. I’ve done glitter and art and fashion and the see side and she is emulating me. We always had so much fun working together. And she is copying me.

I studied illustration in Brighton, she studied fashion illustration in London.

She is always in money trouble. I am too but getting better.

We were always close but she is also fiercely independent.

And then in moved to Amsterdam over three years ago.

And I’ve been feeling guilty about that.

I feel I had to go and leave Hastings because it’s Neverland. Brilliant if you have an income but deadly when you don’t. London is that too I suppose. Same thing. Belief. I’ve been bugging Lauren to come to live in Amsterdam for years. Because I am happy here and things fall into place for me, I feel it could massively benefit her. But she says she will miss her friends. And I understand because since I’m only her nanny and her friends are her backbone, especially her boyfriend, why would she leave all that behind? Especially since I left before, she probably thinks I would do it again. Fuck. I am Mary Poppins … leaving when the wind blows.

That’s what she is trying to do, I just realise. She wants to anchor me. Always asking me if Jones and I are getting married, if we gonna get a place and live together. She wants an anchor too won’t leave again. A family.

And with her weight she is anchoring herself …

Oh Fuck fuck fuck.. her dad and me divorcing runs deeper in her than I thought. When we separated it was pleasant. We still got on and kept everything civil. And were cool. We even spent Christmasses together with his new girlfriend. And L and I stayed in the house and I was happy and I thought that she was too.

But things went wrong shortly before I sold the house in St. James’s Rd I think. It was a year after my mum died there. I needed out. 2016. I lifted the anchor … and a year after that I was in Amsterdam. It happened so quickly. And I know things went wrong because Lauren started gaining weight. Massively. Unhealthily. I tried not to mention it or to nag her about it because body shaming is horrible. And I was never thin either. But it has escalated and it bothers her. She does not look like herself anymore. And it is not something I can ignore. I love her so much and try to see through the physical appearance but if I am honest I struggle. It triggers me because I FEEL RESPONSIBLE.

And it is literally punching me in hard in the face!!!! It cannot be ignored. Her Obesity is my biggest trigger when it comes to my daughter I guess. In a way I am glad it’s not hard drugs …

But I feel it is my fault. For divorcing. For not making money. For not being able to financially support her. For appearing lost at times. For doing a MA when she was doing her BA. For not being a proper parent.

I never felt like a parent to her but more like a friend. Always. A guardian rather than an educator. I always felt that L was already complete. That she already had her path and it was my pleasure to look after this beautiful child who was destined to greatness. And now she is mirroring to me my greatest fear!!!

All I want is to show her that she is able to do anything she wants. To follow her intuition, to have big dreams and make them happen. I am working on it for myself right now, but what if I fail?

I would love to be a mentor to her

A MENTOR

That’s what I want to be. Someone she looks up to. To coach her and support her, mentally and financially. To offer her opportunities. To sponsor her. To inspire her. Someone who is with copying.

And when I fail at something, I want her to learn from it.

Is it important for me and her to be in the same city? I believe so. For her to see …

But I guess my feeling of responsibility towards her if she made the move to be with me will also weigh me down. Then I would feel I have to compensate for the lack of her friends. And if there was the opportunity to move countries, I would not do it because of guilt. AGAIN!!

The shit would just continue …

My guilt trip shit.

So how do people mentor at the moment when they can’t have sessions face to face? And besides, mentoring is only possible if a person WANTS to be mentored.

But can a parent be a good mentor? Are we not too close in the same that her dad the musician was never able to teach her music? And how can I teach her when I am rubbish at the same thing?

Teaching by being/doing

Everyone’s favourite mentor during my MA was Aryen.. he was by no means perfect. He struggled and failed himself and we adored him for that. He never pretended to be anything else. Because he was real. We could relate and because he was going through the same we went through. He made a lasting impression.

So I have to be Aryen to Lauren.

To just be.

Be Mary Poppins.

It is perfect.

By flying I can show her that she can too.

And leave the guilt thing. It is weighing her down too.

I will call her when I want to and not when I think I should.

I will send her uplifting articles not because I think I need to change anything in her but rather because I think she might appreciate and enjoy it.

To get to know her more rather than trying to add anything.

Everything is the way it should be.

I am perfect and she is perfect in our imperfections.

Perfection.